“Thanks for meeting me, Mom,” Marie said, trying to keep her voice steady.
“Of course,” Linda replied with a small smile. “It’s good to see each other, and focus on the future.”
Marie hesitated. “Actually, Mom. That’s why I wanted to meet.There’s some stuff from the past, we need to talk about. Stuff I’ve been carrying for a long time.” Linda stiffened slightly but nodded. “Okay.”
Marie exhaled slowly. “Mom, growing up in the Sea Org … it was really hard. I was scared, confused, and felt totally abandoned. I know Scientology told you it was the right thing to have us do, but it really hurt me.”
Linda’s brow furrowed. “I understand that it was hard for you, Marie, but it wasn’t exactly easy for me either. I worked 18-hour days, barely slept, barely ate, for years. We were both victims of an abusive system.”
“I get that,” Marie said carefully, “but you had a choice to join. I didn’t. I was just a kid.”
Linda bristled. “Choice? What choice did I have? Scientology promised everything—purpose, salvation, a better future. By us joining, I was saving the world, Marie. I thought I was giving you the best life possible.”
Marie’s voice rose slightly. “You thought sending me to the Cadet Org was the best life possible? Mom, I was 6 years old, doing hard labor and learning nothing but how to be a child soldier. We practically lived on rice and beans for months, being punished for things we didn’t even understand. I cried for you, but you weren’t there. You saw the way they treated us ... children. You knew I didn’t wanna be there, and you didn’t care.”
Linda’s expression hardened. “And you think I wasn’t scared too? Do you think I didn’t have doubts? I had to follow the rules, or I'd be punished myself, Marie. They didn’t give me a choice. They told me it was the greatest good.”
Marie swallowed hard, her voice trembling. “Mom, I’m not saying you weren’t a victim. I know you were being controlled too. But you were the adult. You had actual choices, a family to fall back on, you had an education. You knew your rights. You were supposed to protect me, not take mine away.”
Linda shook her head, her tone sharp. “You’re acting like I abandoned you on purpose. I didn’t. I was as trapped as you were—maybe even more. You have no idea what it was like for me, Marie. The responsibility. The pressure, the threats, the punishments. I was just trying to survive.”
And so was I! Marie shot back. But I was a child. I didn’t have anyone to stand up for me. You were supposed to be that person, but you weren’t.
Linda’s face softened slightly, but her tone stayed firm. I did the best I could with the circumstances I was in. I don’t know what else you want me to say.
Marie leaned back in her chair, arms crossed. Mom, I just want you to acknowledge that you made choices that hurt me. Even if you thought they were the right ones at the time, they still hurt me.
Linda sighed and waved her hand dismissively. Marie, that was years ago. Why are you still holding onto this? It’s over. We both suffered, and it’s behind us now. What good does digging it up do? Marie took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. It’s not behind me, Mom.
That’s the thing. I’ve spent years trying to make sense of what happened—trying to figure out why I wasn’t enough for you to walk away from all of it.
Why you didn’t care enough to hear me and see me. Why you didn’t love me more. I do know Scientology is also a villain here, but you made choices too, and you went along with hurting me. I need you to at least try to understand how those choices felt from my perspective, as a kid.
Linda frowned. I really don’t know what you want from me. I can’t change what happened, Marie. I was brainwashed. I was manipulated. I was between a rock and a hard place. If you want someone to blame--blame Scientology!
“I do blame Scientology, Marie said, her voice breaking. But I also need to hold you accountable because you were—my mother. You were supposed to protect me, and you didn’t. And when you say things like it’s in the past or we both suffered, it feels like you’re dismissing everything I went through. Like it doesn't matter.
Linda’s lips tightened, and she looked away. Well I’m sorry you feel that way. Marie flinched. That’s not an apology, Mom. That’s a deflection.
Linda opened her mouth to respond, but Marie held up a hand. Let me finish--please. I don’t expect you to have all the answers. I don’t even expect you to apologize if you’re not ready--yet. But I need you to stop shutting me down when I try to talk about this. I need you to make space for my feelings, even if they’re uncomfortable for you.
Linda hesitated. I’m not shutting you down— But you are, Marie interrupted, her tone calm but firm. Every time you say ‘that was then’ or ‘we both suffered, you’re shutting me down. Neutralizing me. And I need you to stop, because I’m still trying to heal from everything that happened. And part of that healing is being able to talk to you about it.
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