grace gardner - "smaller" (live)

"smaller" was written and performed by grace gardner and released on september 13, 2024. listen to the recorded version here: https://ffm.to/smaller

in grace's words - this is a deeply frightening story to tell, and the saddest one i've told to date. i am scared to start talking about my experience with abuse. in how desolate this song is, this story of clawing my way out, somewhere i am able to reclaim some power and voice. connecting with you through music is what empowers me to tell these stories.

"smaller" was co-produced by grace gardner and lonnie davis. lonnie played piano for the track as well as mixed and mastered the recorded version on streaming platforms. special thanks to my cherished friends and wonderful management team, delaney, nick, and maddie at mothers know best.

live audio recorded through voice memos. this is the first part of an indefinite series, “whiny desk,” where both originals and covers will be performed live to my webcam with no production (save for occasional harmonies) and shared with you.

find grace's music everywhere you stream music under "grace gardner," and find grace's socials here:
instagram:   / gracegardnermusic  
tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@gracegardnerm...
twitter:   / ggraceggardner  
bandcamp: https://gracegardner.bandcamp.com/
substack: https://open.substack.com/pub/cowgoos...
soundcloud:   / brshkaepqqevoxh48  

song lyrics:
hunched over in the bathroom with the light off
letting anger project from my throat
i'm not the type to get sick to my stomach
but it’s twisted, my vision, and the tile could be colder

the pins in my cheeks induce fever
my vibrating wrists make me weak
i'm hot and then cold, good 'til i got old
and i traded honesty for grief

i'm smaller than i ever wanted to be
feel smaller than when i just wouldn’t eat
smaller and smaller, i climb between walls now
small like you need me to be

count the nail marks carved on my heart line
no crescent, no evident fear
im drawing up blood, drawing caricatures
of what i might look like next week

eyes sunken sat deep in their sockets
i can see through translucent green skin
my hair breaks right off at the ends now
because i wanted to call you my friend

i'm smaller than i ever wanted to be
feel smaller than when i would refuse to sleep
smaller and smaller, i'm dreaming of houses
smaller than nightmares like me

you get to talk in ways i can’t reciprocate
always within an ace with you, i can’t satiate
you mobilize the troops, flying monkeys see and do
play town crier from the roof 'til everyone is smaller than you

i've been smaller than i ever wanted
choking down thickening air
hollering hollering, breathing in sawdust
coughing until i can’t breathe

you drowned my lit pitchforks,
you got what you wished for
gone like you need me to be

i hope something breaks you down
and you look at your world now
gone like you made it to be