Identifying the Tactics An Emotional Abuser Uses to Control You and The Relationship

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This video addresses some of the very specific tactics used to control you and to control the dynamics in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship. Withholding and Countering.

Withholding is when the abuser holds in their thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, and what's going on in his life. This usually doesn't show up in the beginning of the relationship when the abuser is watching you, mimicking your emotions, learning about you, and what makes you tick. The abuser may appear very engaged, telling you about himself, asking questions about you. Usually the withholding really starts to show up somewhere around four to six months into a relationship. Sometimes, this will be where you simply ask him about his day, for instance and rather than telling you, the abuser might say something like "Oh, same as they all are. It's work, just work. I was on the phone all day long," but that's it.

You no long hear any specifics about what he liked, what he didn't, who he talked to, how things are going. You are offered crumbs. If you are a person who is really trying to engage, this can be incredibly frustrating, and often draw you in to where you're asking more, you're giving more attention and not getting it back.

Another way that this shows up is that, if you are talking with him, he might right in the middle of the conversation pick up a book or a magazine, watch the television instead of making eye contact with you, say something like, "Go on. I'm listening," when everything about his body language, everything about his demeanor is telling you that he's not. And that whatever else he's looking at is a lot more important than you or what you have to say to him. He's really beginning to send these mixed messages.

Whatever it is, you can really feel these things in the pit of your stomach. He says he's engaging, he says he's listening, he says he cares, and yet, his behavior doesn't match that. That's withholding.

The second one ... Call these two the dynamic duo ... Is countering. Countering is when he has a comeback for everything. Remember, we talked about this type of person last time, and how their approach to life is about powering over. Every human interaction, with this person has a winner and a loser. This can come out of nowhere and be incredibly frustrating, because the message is, what you're saying isn't true, what you're feeling isn't true, what you believe in isn't right. He literally counters anything and everything you say. After a while, between the withholding and the countering, there really isn't any give and take in the relationship at all.

Emotional abuse is not something that others can see from the outside. It is really measured by the impact that it has on the individual over a period of time. When you are constantly being countered, when information is being withheld, when the relationship feels just inherently confusing and painful, one of the reactions that many people have is to go inward, where you do have some control and think, "Okay, well if I just explain myself better, than he's not going to do that. He's going to listen to me," or, "If I tell him this is really a feeling, and you can't tell somebody else what they feel," good luck, because no matter what tactic you take, it's going to be blocked and blocked and blocked.

When you are able to identify specific behaviors you will likely begin to question yourself less and be better able to listen to that wisdom inside that tells you, "If I feel demeaned, I'm being demeaned. If I feel put down, I'm being put down. If I feel like what I'm saying isn't being respected, I'm not being respected," rather than continuing, as loving, caring women often do, to simply try to explain yourself better, to make it better for him, to be more loving, whatever.

Validate yourself and your experience by learning the tactics used in toxic relationships to control and manipulate you. Once your eyes are open...you won't be fooled again and can begin to respond in ways that protect you from being drawn into his vortex of chaos and coercive control.
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Please watch and tune in every Friday for the next installment of the Ask Dr. Denise Series: "When Will I Learn to Trust Again Narcissistic Abuse?"
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