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WALKIE TALKIE by Minlyn Chen

Dear Alfred J. Gross,
When you invented the walkie- talkie, the US military asked you to improve their communication systems.

Personally, I would've preferred if they asked you to improve the English Language.

Because forks would be called stabby grabbies,
burgers would be krabby patties so I would
grab a stabby grabby to nub a krabby patty,
and the krusty krabby always has these yummy seafood dishes.

Instead of jelly fish you could eat the delishy squishy fishy,
and when you're having a moment and your body feels so sloppy
the tissue for any issue is here, but now it's called snotty scotties
and you probably named zangy tangys and laffy taffies
but why not call tic-tacs ticky tackies
and if you got cool pants I'd say you got slicky slackies
even slicker is the cats and kit kats would be kitty katties

and obviously
backpacks would be backy packies
hackysacks would be hacky sackies
sharpies would be finey lineys
21 pilots would be finey rhymey
Shakespeare would be saddity tragedy
trains would be rickety rackety thing on a trackety

and a rich man from Iraq riding a train
with a cool black pants
and tic tacs and kit kats
and hackysacks in his backpack would be

a kitty katty, ticky tacky, hacky sacky, backy packy, rickety rackety thing on a trackety, slick black slacky, fat stack Iraqi.

Dear Alfred J. Gross,
Personally I would've preferred if they asked you to improve the English Language.
What a shame that they never saw the potential.

Because if you're into the Mario Kart, bananas would be slippy trip pies
if you prefer elevators over stairs you would ride the niffy lifty
microwave informercials would say you likely like these eaty heaties

money would be needy greedy
weeping willows would be griefy leafies
wool pajammas would be lamby jammies or softy sheepy sleepies
night light would be nighty lighties
park benches would be city sitties
finals would be exammy crammy
slam jam would be slammy jammy

and if you're crying more than a weeping willow
because you're in your pajamas and want to go to sleep
but you are burning the midnight oil to study for finals
so you can get a job and make money
so you won't have to sleep on a park bench,
which is why slam jam exists,

you would be more weepy than a griefy leafy
half asleepy in your lamby jammies
or your sheepy sleepies
cramming for exammy crammies
so you get the needy greedy
and not have to fall asleepy on a city sitty
pretty much the reason that we have a slammy jammy that's so savvy.

Dear Alfred J. Gross,
It's a shame you only named the walkie-talkie.