This video demonstrates how any couple can safely resolve their conflicts/diagreements/issues in four simple steps. The RULES for practicing the method are below the four steps.
THE FOUR STEPS:
STEP ONE: Person A uses FFEN (Facts, Feelings, Explanation, Need) if they have an issue, Person B repeats Person A’s FFEN back and asks, “Did I get that right?” and “Is there more?”
Person A says, “There is no more,” or what the “more” is. Person B repeats anything more and asks, “Did I get that right?” and “Is there more?” until Person A gets it all out.
STEP TWO: Then Person B says, “Can I respond?” If Person A says “Yes,” Person B says, “The Fact is the same,” and then gives their Feeling, Explanation, and Need about Person A’s issue. Person A repeats Person B’s FFEN back, asks, “Did I get that right?” and “Is there more?” until Person B gets it all out.
STEP THREE: Once Person B says, “There is no more,” Person A assesses whether they are clear on their issue. “Clear” simply means you don’t have more to say about the issue. If Person A is clear, they ask Person B, “Are you clear?” If both are clear, they go to STEP FOUR. If either is not clear, they keep going until they are both clear, then they go to STEP FOUR.
STEP FOUR: Person B states what exactly they will do to help Person A with Person A’s issue.
THEN THE OTHER PERSON BRINGS UP A DIFFERENT ISSSUE, IF THEY HAVE ONE. They go back to STEP ONE, and the former Person B becomes Person A, and Person A becomes Person B. They then go through STEP ONE to STEP FOUR with this issue.
THE TEN RULES:
1. COMMIT TO CHECKING IN TWICE A WEEK TO SEE IF THERE ARE ANY ISSUES. If there genuinely are no issues, good for you. Regular check-ins will help you remember to use the method when issues do arise. If one of you has an issue, the method might take 10 minutes. If both have issues, it might take 20 minutes.
2. START WITH LIGHT ISSUES. This method can solve big issues but start with small problems until you feel confident handling big ones.
3. WORK WITH ONE PERSON’S ISSUE AT A TIME. The Facts don’t change, even if you disagree with the facts initially stated. They are simply the other person’s perception of things. You can give a different Explanation of the facts when you ask, “Can I respond?” and they say “Yes.”
4. FOR BOTH, THE “EXPLANATION” CAN BE EITHER WHY YOU FELT WHAT YOU FELT, OR WHY THE OTHER PERSON (OR YOU) DID THAT.
5. YOU ONLY USE FFEN INITIALLY. After the other person has repeated your FFEN, if there is anything more, you can both drop the FFEN structure. You can speak spontaneously, but the listener still repeats what you said, asks if they got it right, and “Is there more?” until it’s all out.
6. AN ABSOLUTE KEY IS NOT TO GET DEFENSIVE. This is not easy when you feel criticized, but not getting defensive is essential to healthy communication.
Once they get it all out, and you ask, “Can I respond?” you will get a chance to give your side of the story about the other person’s issue. If they say, “No, I don’t want you to respond right now,” then you both set up a mutually agreed-upon time when you can give your FFEN.
7. COMMITMENT IS ANOTHER KEY. This method is not a quick fix, but if you are both committed to practicing it and persist in doing it at least twice a week, you should be able to solve most problems. As long as one person has a clear grasp of the steps, they can lead the other person through the method.
8. HONESTY IS ANOTHER KEY. This method works with passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive people, but it will not work if you are not honest and courageous about your issues.
9. PLAN WHEN YOU WILL DO IT TWICE A WEEK AND STICK TO THE PLAN. Otherwise, you will tend to put it off until the next day and the next, until you are not doing it at all. It helps to not do it two days in a row, to space the days out a bit. Eg. Wednesday and Sunday
10. REMEMBER TO DO STEP FOUR after you both say you are clear. The planned action of STEP FOUR is very important as it states how exactly you plan to resolve the issue brought up. STEP FOUR validates the other person and their right to bring up that issue.
Contact:
website: www.brucetallman.com
email: [email protected]
phone: 1-226-700-4110
Christine Taleski, Audio-Visual Team Lead at Siloam United Church, produced the video. Contact siloamunitedchurch.org or [email protected]
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