If I Were a Rich Man (Donald Trump / Fiddler on the Roof song parody)

Donald Trump seemed to have a lot of trouble coming up with the bonds required to appeal his civil trials. What kind of things would he wish for if he was actually a rich man?

See the entire Fiddler on the Roof / Donald Trump playlist:
   • Fiddler on the Roof (Donald Trump par...  

=== Lyrics ===

Oh, dear Lord, you made many, many stupid people
I realize, of course, it's no shame to be stupid
And you know I love the poorly educated
So, what would be so terrible if I took all their money?

If I were a rich man
MAGA daga diga duga diga daga diga dum
All night long I’d set my mind adrift
If I were a wealthy man
I wouldn’t have to work hard
MAGA daga diga duga diga daga diga dum
If I sent an itty bitty grift
Begging to my ultra-MAGA fans

I’d build a big, tall tower with a giant penthouse
At least 30,000 square feet
And dress it up just like it was a French chateaux
Then I would contact Forbes and tell them what I’m worth
In disguise because you’ve got to be discrete
They’ll know it’s true: John Barron said it’s so

I’d hire all the best attorneys and spokesmen
To see if they can keep me out of jail
Or at the very least, get my trials delayed
And though they all sound good when they’re talking on FoxNews
In court they inevitably fail
As if they know that they’re not getting paid

If I were a rich man
MAGA daga diga duga diga daga diga dum
All night long I’d set my mind adrift
If I were a wealthy man
I wouldn’t have to work hard
MAGA daga diga duga diga daga diga dum
If I sent an itty bitty grift
Begging to my ultra-MAGA fans

I see my wife, Melania, looking like a trophy wife
Though she’s nowhere to be found
She waved goodbye as she bid me a fond farewell
If I negotiate a much better prenup
Maybe then she might just stick around
As long as she could tolerate the smell

The dictators across the world would come to fawn on me
They would ask me to appease them, and offer flatteries
“If you please, Sir”
“Pardon me, Sir”
2 billion dollars to be paid out with no fees!
MAGA di da da, MAGA da da, MAGA da da da…

And it won’t make one bit of difference, if I shake their hands or I salute
When you’re rich, they don’t care that you’re slow

If I were rich, then I could buy an election, declare myself the President for life
And maybe get myself out of the mess I’m in
And I could have more sex with centerfolds and porn stars, and make Melania an ex-wife
Then maybe take Ivanka for a spin

If I were a rich man
MAGA dahga deega duhgga deega dahga deega dum
All night long, I’d sit around and bitch
If I were a wealthy man
I wouldn’t have to work hard
MAGA dahga deega duhgga deega dahga deega dum

Lord, who made the lion and the lamb
Send me sheep instead so I can scam
And fleece them out of every cent I can
So I … can be a wealthy man!


=== Credits ===

   • If I Were a Rich Man   "If I Were a Rich Man", Fiddler on the Roof London Cast Recording