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How to Look Beyond Behaviors to Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges

This podcast will focus on looking beyond behaviors to understand and help solve children’s behavioral challenges. Behavior is simply and outward expression of inward emotions—so if we just work to correct the behaviors we see, we miss a great deal of the problem! By looking beneath the surface, we begin to understand the true nature of the child, his/her triggers and the possible solutions that will help the child to better cope with the stressful situation. Guest, Mona Delahooke and Dr. Robyn Silverman explore what’s beyond behaviors in the children we love.

Special guest: Mona Delahooke, PhD

A kindergartener whose father pinches her on the arm at night- once for every time her teacher wrote the girl’s name on the behaviorchart at school that day.

A three year old in foster care who was found sitting in a car by the side of the road with his mother, who was passed out at the wheel. His daycare-center teacher sends him to a time out room for challenging behaviors.

A ten year old is diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. His teachers say he is chronically disruptive, always seeking attention, His problematic behaviors began after his family relocated to a new state.

My next guest says that we are too quick to look at behaviors as attempts to annoy and disrupt—rather than what they truly represent- observable responses to our internal and external experiences. And here’s the problem with that- When we fail to recognize that many behaviors represent the body’s response to stress, not intentional misbehavior, we expend effort on techniques designed to help children logically connect their thoughts, emotions and behaviors and change them—when they simply can’t yet. Instead, we need to see the behavior that is problematic and confusing and NOT ask ourselves how do we get rid of it? But rather, what is this telling us about the child? The answer will then guide us to coming up with the best approach to help that individual child thrive.

Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. is a clinical child psychologist with a passion for supporting families and children. She has worked widely with multidisciplinary teams in the areas of trauma, developmental and emotional differences for 25 years.  She is a senior faculty member of the Profectum Foundation and is a trainer and consultant to schools and agencies including the Los Angeles Department of Mental Health. Her blog, The Visible Parent, and book, Social & Emotional Development in Early Intervention (2017) explore the latest translational applications of neuroscience to social and emotional development. She is also the author of Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.

The podcast provides:

Why we must look beneath the iceberg to what the behaviors mean and how to respond.
The difference between a stress response and intentional challenging behavior.
What we need to know about our children’s autonomic pathways.
How parents/educators know when to discipline and when to empathize with their children at a time when behavior is defiant or disruptive.
Understanding for the adaptive purposes of negative behaviors
Perspective of when a child gains control over their emotions
Strategies that we can use to help children when their behavior is challenging.

Important Messages:


We are too quick to look at behaviors as attempts to annoy and disrupt—rather than what they truly represent- observable responses to our internal and external experiences.
We need to see the problematic and confusing behavior and NOT ask ourselves how do we get rid of it? But rather, what is this telling us about the child
We need to use love and compassion to help our vulnerable children. 
We must look beneath the iceberg—the tip of the iceberg is only 10% of the iceberg and 90% lies below the waterline. The behaviors are like the tip. The causes and triggers- the motivating factors, the reasons—are found below the surface. They are found in the brain and body. When we just focus on what we see- we miss so much. When we focus on what’s really happening, our approach can change.
Example: Child in grocery store.
Tantrum: Described by what we see- hitting, crying, yelling, face red, flailing. Bottom-up behavior- response to stress- not in control of our behavior (emotions in control). Tantrum at tip of ice berg. Underneath- memories, tired, stress. Must consider that some behaviors are not intended to get attention or cause frustration but rather, responses to stress.
Perspective: Child is suffering vs the child needs to get with the program and buck up.
Remember as an adult- when you were upset and said or did something that elicited an angry response—you feel worse, not better!
Expectation gap/ Believing that children have control over emotions and behav