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Ladies and gentlemen, patients and practitioners, and those of you who aren’t quite sure which "you" showed up today—welcome to the main stage!

Tonight, we have a very special feature that explores the beautiful, baffling, and highly diagnostic world of the human psyche. Please, silence your inner monologues and make sure your coping mechanisms are in the upright and locked position.

"The Me, Myself, and We Variety Hour"
We open with a high-stakes, high-energy production for anyone who feels like their personality is actually a dozen squirrels in a trench coat trying to pass a driver’s test. It’s a Broadway-style celebration of being a "stable hurricane." If you’ve ever been the hero and the villain of your own day before breakfast, this is your national anthem.

"Master of the Metaphor"
Next, we slow things down for the "Professional Patient." This power ballad is dedicated to those of us who have used therapy speak to become a "psychological masterpiece" without actually changing a single habit. It’s for the person who is "holding space" for your feelings while simultaneously building a moat around their own. Namaste... and get out.

"Me, Myself, and the Other Me"
Finally, the grand finale! A Vaudeville jazz-pop romp through the "tragedy-comedy trilogy" that is your daily mood board. Watch in amazement as we ghost our friends, beg them to stay, and leave our therapist staring at a blank file wondering if they should charge us triple for the extra personalities. It’s a "glittery ache" set to a jaunty beat!