Buddy Hield All 278 Three-Pointers Full Highlights (2018-19 Season Three-ilation Part I)

Some very weird things have happened to your pal DTB in the past 48 hours. Before you get the whole story, however, you're going to get a rundown of the weirdness that has been present in my life for nearly two years now.

I live with a 12-foot-tall statue of Buddy Hield. He's made out of purple plastic and I ordered him from a custom 3D-printing company in a fit of hype-induced hysteria. However, he's not just a giant plastic figurine. He's a giant plastic figurine that's alive.

It started slowly, with him changing positions when I didn't expect it. I thought I was going insane. He's pretty much indestructible, so even when I was violent with him, he was physically unharmed. As he became more humanlike in behavior, however, he ceased being an enemy and started being a friend. Eventually, I could read his emotions pretty well, although his language skills never progressed past the point of unintelligible babbling.

We went on a lot of adventures together. One of our night-time walks ended in him killing a guy who tried to mug me. We went to the zoo one time to play with the goats (Buddy loves goats) and we ended up interrupting some guys who were trying to dispose of a murder victim. Buddy killed five people that night and he even ripped one of them in half. Luckily the police never figured out it was us. Later, Buddy built me a custom video card for my computer out of spare parts, and he further demonstrated his knowledge of circuitry by building an inscrutable hunk of silicon for mining cryptocurrencies.

So now we're back to the present time. When I plugged in the cryptocurrency mining hardware, which I called the "BuddyBox", I inadvertently released a new cryptocurrency (called "BuddyCoin") to the internet at large. Even though the BuddyBox was only operational for fifteen minutes, that was enough to hold an ad-hoc ICO (Initial Coin Offering) and get BuddyCoin listed on all the major crypto exchanges.

That was really bad news for us because the BuddyBox mined seventy million BuddyCoin in that fifteen minutes. And the mining difficulty of BuddyCoin is so astronomically high that it takes even the largest Bitcoin mining conglomerates over a month to mine just one coin. Only the ultra-high-end BuddyBox, with its alien-looking computational hardware, is suited for mining BuddyCoin. Buddy and I had a huge target on our back for being crypto-billionaires whose entire crypto portfolio was this mysterious new coin.

Buddy knew we were in trouble and he felt bad about it. He thought that his own immense genius was to blame for the screwup. I told him it was my fault that I had left the ethernet cable plugged in while I tested out the BuddyCoin algorithms.

Just to be safe, I made an escape plan with Buddy. We already sort of had one a few months back when police all across the state were looking for the perpetrators of the so-called "Zoo Massacre". All I had to do was go over it with him and my kitty Japurri Purrker (who is also smarter than the average member of his species).

Well, it's a good thing we made that plan, because last night, we got raided by the Securities and Exchange Commission, most likely because of the dubious legality of our unintentional ICO. Not only that, but the SEC brought some FBI guys with them as backup. That makes sense because I'm literally a billionaire right now with all my BuddyCoin holdings, and a rich crypto guy is also likely to be a guy who won't go down without a fight.

Buddy and Japurri and I didn't want a fight. We wanted to live a peaceful life of fun and friendship. While the feds banged on our front door and yelled for the owner of the residence to open up, the three of us escaped out the back window to where the getaway van was parked. We were lucky that there were no FBI agents stationed out there because they probably would have just started shooting at us, which would have been a real messy situation because Buddy is impervious to bullets and would probably kill them all execution-style while they called in the military. There'd be no getting out of that one.

My apartment pretty much backs up to an alley which allowed us to get onto a main road quickly and get out of there. I was wondering what the feds would do with all my highlight-making equipment and also what the cute latina who lives above me would think about the whole thing. Maybe she would think I was some kind of badass drug lord or something. Not that she needs any more excuses to try to get with me. She's already tried.

Of course, the incriminating crypto stuff was all with us in the van. I knew it could never be used again. That was kind of sad, given what a technological achievement it was, but I also felt a sense of relief.

I had a plan to drive to a safe spot I had picked out, but Buddy started giving me different directions, so I followed them. He would never lead me astray. He's my best friend.
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Part II:    • Buddy Hield All 278 Three-Pointers Fu...  

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