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Think your sexual fantasies are rare? Think again. Research shows almost everyone has them—and many are way more common than you’d expect. In this video, I breaks down the 7 most common sexual fantasies from Justin Lehmiller’s groundbreaking study, Tell Me What You Want. From group sex to power play, from romance to gender-bending, we’ll cover why these fantasies are so popular, what they reveal about desire, and how to talk about them with your partner.
You’ll learn:
What counts as a sexual fantasy (and why almost everyone has them)
The 7 most common fantasy themes people report
Why some fantasies are best left in your imagination
How to safely and respectfully share a fantasy with your partner
Ways to explore fantasies with consent and boundaries
Whether you’re curious about your own fantasies or just want to understand human desire better, this video is packed with research, insights, and approachable sex education.
Watch until the end to hear why fantasies are more than just daydreams—they’re windows into your erotic mind.
0:00 Introduction
0:50 What even counts as a sexual fantasy?
1:37 Research on Fantasies
2:40 1. Multipartner Sex
3:32 2. Power, Control and Rough Sex
4:36 3. Novelty, Adventure and Variety
5:18 4. Taboo and Forbidden Sex
6:14 5. Passion, Romance and Intimacy
6:45 6. Non-monogamy and Partner-sharing
7:15 7. Erotic Flexibity and Gender Bending
8:15 Do you have to act on your sexual fantasies?
8:38 What if you want to share a fantasy?
10:34 Wrapping it Up
References
Ariely, D., & Loewenstein, G. (2006). The heat of the moment: The effect of sexual arousal on sexual decision making. Journal of Behavioral Decision Making, 19(2), 87–98.
Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love and the expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. Hemisphere Publishing Corp.
Baumeister, R. F. (1988). Masochism as escape from self. Journal of Sex Research, 25(1), 28–59.
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
Diamond, L. M. (2008). Sexual fluidity: Understanding women’s love and desire. Harvard University Press.
Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell me what you want: The science of sexual desire and how it can help you improve your sex life. Da Capo Lifelong Books.
Morin, J. (1995). The erotic mind: Unlocking the inner sources of sexual passion and fulfillment. HarperCollins.
Disclaimer:
The information provided today is for entertainment and general information only. I am a LMFT with post-masters training in sex therapy, but I am not your personal sex therapist or mental health professional, which means that I don't have your full picture in front of me to provide the best route of treatment for what it is you are struggling with. Good sex therapy, and good therapy in general, is not one-size-fits-all. It should always be individualized, or tailor-made, to suit your individual needs using a bio-psycho-social assessment that factors in everything that could be contributing to your individual concern.
This publication and the information included in it are not intended to serve as a substitute for consultation with a sex therapist or other mental health professional. Specific mental health and sex therapy issues, concerns and conditions always require the support of appropriate sex and therapy professionals. The use of the Internet for communications with my private practice will not establish a clinician-client relationship and messages containing confidential or time-sensitive information should not be sent.
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