Скачать или смотреть My Struggle with Substance Abuse│Poly Addiction

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I know this is completely out of the realm of normal videos I make on this channel, but thats what this channel is for. I wrote a monologue towards my "sobriety" and was going to read it out in the video, but i will post it here.

Monologue to Betterment of Myself:
"To me there has always been something so romantic about addiction. The willingness to give up everything just to escape a trauma or a problem with a substance. It’s almost the closest thing to true love that I can think of. Sometimes I am envious of the man hunched over on the side of the street who just shot up and is in a completely relaxed state. I wonder what brought him there and how does he feel now. As someone who has struggled with addiction I can understand how he feels the safety and almost blindness it gives you to chaos of lives turmoil. Its easier to crack a beer at 5am, then to fix and clean up your life around you. And the willingness it takes not to consume that substance, is almost unimaginable. It’s easier to fall down on a cloud and hit rock bottom, than to climb the ladder back to “normal” or striving. It’s hard when something so easily accessible can be a quick solution, then putting back together the puzzle. Because there is a lack of care of the pieces are all over the floor and there is such a relief to the chaos. In my addiction I acquire such structure that it can take just me not making my bed in the morning to fall back down. Well if I didn’t make my bed, then why would I clean the kitchen, if I didn’t clean the kitchen, then why wouldn’t I pick up the clothes off my floor and then why wouldn’t I clean up the thoughts in my head. Honestly 5 am beers were my favourite and almost a perfect start to my day when I couldn’t deal with my surroundings, it blinded me to every insecurity and made navigating through the clutter of my mind easier. Sometimes facing the demon can be such a daunting task, why not snort that pill and feel the relief of his disappearance. I have never been physically addicted to any drugs except for nicotine, caffeine and my anti-anxiety medication and to face the monster head on can be scary. I am what we call a polly-addict, I attach myself to any substance which is accessible to me at the moment, even if I don’t enjoy it. But in my sobriety I have to learn how to face those monsters and become the man I need to be. It’s either success of life or take the slow fall to death from my escapism. I am at the point of my life where I want to be the best that I can, so I chose betterment. From being a poly addict it’s easy for me to say no to any substance, but its the surroundings I keep myself in to stop myself from saying no. Its almost like I always got to be on the up and up to stay clean. Which I do not mind, because I am an all or nothing kind of man, which is probably why I am an addict. It’s either I am a full on drinker, coke head, pill popper or a beacon of light to shine onto the others. Ever since I was young I knew I had something big planned for me and adding another can to the table full of empties puts a halt to that. So now in life, I have chosen to be a light that shines so others can shine with me. It’s just a recent life change but it has really helped me to keep myself on the path that I was meant to take. Because I know if I continue down this road, it will lead me to destination of salvation. Now every choice I make is aimed towards the top. There is a mountain we all must climb, some stay at the bottom, but I want to reach the peak and see the view that was meant for me to see. So yes, I am envious of the person who can choose addiction over dealing with the pain, but that’s not god’s plan for me."