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“Is my partner’s instability attachment…or is it something deeper?”

This is one of the most common questions I get. On the surface, insecure attachment, borderline personality disorder (BPD), and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can look very similar. But here’s how you can start to tell them apart. (Information in this video or post is not clinical or medical advice, nor a diagnoses)

🔹 Attachment shows up at the state level → meaning struggles mainly appear in romantic or very close relationships.
🔹 BPD & NPD operate at the trait level → predictable cycles that show up across many areas of life.

BPD cycle: idealization → devaluation → discard → hoovering (driven by fear of abandonment).

NPD cycle: idealization → devaluation → discard → hoovering (driven by shame + fear of vulnerability).
🔹 Fearful Avoidant (FA) looks different—disorganized, less predictable, and not nearly as severe.

✨ Example: If a friend doesn’t text back…

FA → feelings hurt, but likely waits it out.

BPD → feels rejected → anger + accusations (devaluation stage).

NPD → perceives rejection → gossip, reputation attacks, punishment.

The takeaway?
➡️ Attachment wounds can heal with the right support.
➡️ BPD deserves compassion and accountability.
➡️ Narcissism rarely comes with genuine remorse.

If you want to dive deeper into these differences (and what to do if you’re in one of these dynamics), I share more in my hybrid group program as well as my self paced coaching programs. Better yet go listen to The Love Doc Podcast on any podcast platform.

You deserve clarity—and relationships that feel safe. 💛

🔗 Follow for more insights on attachment, personality dynamics, and healing.

#attachment #relationshipcoach #healing #npd #bpd #psychology #mentalhealthsupport