Because You First Loved Me | Worship Set | 4.9.23

prod. Jason Song

Hi guys ◡̈ Long time no see, I hope all of you are doing well~ Also sorry my video cuts out early on this video too :(

I found myself singing the lyrics "I know you love me" over and over again during this set, and didn't realize until I finished filming, but I actually had such a hard time believing this truth until a couple of months ago! Up until recently, I remember myself telling my spiritual mentors and community all the time about how I knew that God loved me, but had a hard time truly believing that He did. It's written in the bible (John 3:16), I hear it all the time at church and from the pastor, but yet this simple truth was one of the hardest things for me to believe and it affected so many different aspects of my relationship with God, negatively.

The reason why I had such a hard time believing this, was because I grew up believing that I was inherently unlovable. This was due to a lot of traumatic and recurring life experiences that displayed to me conditional love, abandonment, and rejection. I was severely bullied when I was younger and so I grew up being told and believing that who I am, just as I am, was defective, unlovable, ugly, gross, too much, etc. I only knew love in a conditional/transactional way and that in that equation, I had nothing of value to offer.

I honestly don’t know when the turning point exactly happened when I came to believe in the depths of my heart that God loves me. But I think it happened last year where a lot of my unbelief, brokennesses, fears, doubts, hurts were being dug up and processed with the Lord. Honestly I can only attribute the change in my heart to the Holy Spirit healing me from the inside out. I was struggling to believe the fundamental character of God. That He is love, that He will never abandon me, never get tired of me, never pick on me just because He wants to torment me, always stays by my side, chooses me, doesn't treat me worse than others, knows me, wants me, and chases after me. I couldn’t believe it because I couldn’t even begin to understand what that looks like, and I couldn’t comprehend that this love was available for me even when I had nothing to offer in return. It felt too good to be true. But as I began to ask the Lord to reveal His love for me so that I can really learn and understand, to know his character rightly, (because not knowing God’s love means I’m missing out on knowing like a giant aspect of who God is), I think He began to journey with me and step by step, the Lord, in His kindness, began patiently showing me, speaking over me, and covering me with His love. It would look like being able to see & understand more of His faithfulness to me, healing my past traumas so that I can renew my mind and receive, surrounding me with deeper sisters and community that would stick with me and love me through my mistakes and my ugliest moments, seeing more of His forgiveness and grace, His consistency, and etc.

The phrase that actually got me saved was when a pastor said “It’s not God who forgets that He loves you, it’s you who forgets that God loves you”. Remembering that phrase, I realized how much it must hurt God’s heart for me to deny His love for me when He has done nothing but proved it over and over again. He’s never hurt me or failed me, has been the only one who really is by my side every step of the way, never thinks my problems are too much or that I need to become something else in order to finally be loved. He saw me, as I am, and loved me. Sent His one and only son to die on that cross for me WHILE I WAS STILL A SINNER. The truth that God chases after me much more than I ever could Him and that the security of my relationship with God is not dependent on my effort and mistakes but on His love and grace alone... is JUST LIKE WHAT HOW?!?!?!! How can I deny the love of the one person who truly loved me since the beginning of time?

I did nothing to deserve God’s love and yet nothing can separate me from it (Romans 8:39). I only attribute having this confidence to God! I think a part of receiving, is surrendering what we think and know is true, to fully in faith, submit and believe the truth that God is who He says He is. Of course this takes time and lots of processing and healing, but how kind is God that He is so patient with us and desires for us to know Him rightly. When I look at the cross, the ultimate act of love, I’m so overwhelmed and all I want to do is worship and praise Him, exalt and adore Him, be with Him in His presence and never leave. So thank you for loving me, God. Thank you for healing me and being so kind, there is none like You. I love you, Jesus :)

I feel like I didn't word this well, but I hope you guys get the gist haha ◡̈

Pslams 139 - A truth that He knows everything about us and yet still chose to and chooses to love us.
Genesis 50:20

Songs:
At the Cross - Matt Redman
I Will Worship You - Carl Tuttle
Beautiful Savior - Planetshakers