"Not You (Don't Try Rapping)" by Mark Kaschak
Shout the heck out to throw pillows, Tickle Me Elmo, loud pants, tiny plants, even tinier desks, and my landlords being on vacation.
Lyrics:
ME: Don’t try rapping
That’s for the other kids, not you
Think of the shit you’d get from your brother, kid
He fought you time and again on blog hobbies and smartphone Pikachu
Videogames and your favorite band, too
(me): Thanks a lot, dude
ME: Shh, no
Life is good, though
I mean, nobody ever shot you
Or caught you in the street drunk
Or with a little bag of pot in your back pocket
And brought you in a Charger on charges to a cell to rot
You better get back to that loan company job that you got
You can jot down a few bars in an unsaved Word doc
And talk the talk until you X out ’cause you know you ain’t walk the walk
You forgot the same old lessons your thoughts taught you
Fell asleep at your desk again, didn’t you? I watched you
Distracted by daydreams again and look what it bought you
Get that shit out of your system, kid like, “ah-choo”
I understand you thought the game sought you, kid, I got you
But don’t try rapping, kid, that’s for the other ones
Not you
Can’t try rapping; that’s for the other kids
Don’t try rapping; that’s for the other kids
Understand?
I mean, damn, you can’t even cuss right
I bet you chose those words 'cause you heard other rappers cuss, right?
You never thought, “Hmm… the curse in the verse is just right”
And now you rhymed the same word three times in a row
Hell of a quote rapper end quote you know?
Granola boy from Upstate ADK bud, don’t you know?
The NOLA boys’ll upstage you any day so
Don’t you go rapping about your problems; what problems?
What makes you think your daydreaming deserves an audience?
Honestly kid, your lack of problems is painfully obvious
Obviously the worst is what you owe in student loans to Navient
And for what? Four years of frisbee at a private university?
(me): Impurity, indecision, missed opportunities, and religion
And screaming in between my best friend and my girlfriend
Tears streaming in between my fiancée and my best man
Overpriced rings and broken relationships I cast my pearls in
Falling out and in and out and right back in until the world’s end
ME: Stop
Can’t try rapping; that’s for the other kids
Don’t try rapping; that’s for the other kids
(ME): Excuse me?
As I was saying
I know my life don’t look like a string of terrible things
Weighing heavily down upon my two skinny shoulders
Day in and day out until I’m found
Laying face down in a ditch or sleeping on a bench
But I got issues that you’d never know exist
And they’re not coming from in the hood but under it
Blundering idiot, what the hell do you rap for?
Nothing but self-glorifying and masturbatory lyrics
It seems you think I’m tied to indie music and internet memes
All because I’m hanging right in between the extremes
Too happy or sad, too awkward to brag
But I ain’t down enough in the dirt for rap
You think of me and can’t identify the hurt for that
Nevermind that I think I suck at being a dad
Nevermind that I promised my wife and doubled back
In my mind I’m just one of two guys inside an action film
The guy with flow, a wife beater, and actual skills
Or the one with a low life meter popping some acne pills
Before a distraction kills one of them and that space is filled
Put a different idea I have of me in place
My illness is a different kind of ill than what you usually rap about
I feel sick in a way that you don’t usually rap about
If I got something to say I got something I can rap about
Or I can sit down with a six string and usually tab it out
Or maybe grab a notebook and jot all the madness down
Or hell, head to Facebook and I can post a status about it
Mad as a cow in two thousand and twelve
With only one outlet allowed sounds like my personal hell
Now I might only try rapping this one time
Without enough rhymes to fill a whole album’s runtime
But thanks a lot, dude
I understand you thought you held the lock too; I got you
But the kid keys into his good thoughts
Not you
Snag a free EP: https://markkaschak.bandcamp.com/
Get at me:
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