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The Sauce: A Miller Family Recipe

Sweet, savory: make your fondue pop. “Tastes like the inside of a bear”.

Serve with: Cherry tomatoes, cauliflower, whole mini bell mushrooms (unwashed), sliced bell peppers, strawberries, kiwis, lime and lemon wedges, some of that flat Jewish bread, hardboiled eggs, Swiss cheese cubes, and sliced kielbasa.

Equipment needed:
• 32-quart aluminum stock pot
• 2-foot-long wood stirring spade (add duct tape to hilt for added grip)
• Miscellaneous paring knives

Recipe/Directions:
• Place stock pot on stove, set to medium-high heat
• Set chicken-timer to 42 minutes
• 1/4 mason jar bacon grease
• 8-9 seconds spraying of canola oil spray
• Repeat 8-9 seconds spraying of non-stick butter cooking spray
• Add to cocktail shaker and mix vigorously for 30 seconds, then add to stock pot: 2.5 seconds vanilla extract pour, 2 seconds sesame seed oil pour, 5 dashes angostura bitters, 1 second lime juice pour

Stir counter-clockwise continuously while adding ingredients. Do not stop stirring for more than 40-45 seconds.

• 5 seconds half-and-half pour
• 7 dashes Worcestershire sauce
• 0.5 ounce whole unpeeled ginger root
• 1/4 bottle of cheapest real maple syrup from corner bodega
• 1/8 bottle Dijon mustard (spicy)
• 1/16 bottle Heinz ketchup
• 1/2 unpeeled garlic clove
• 2 drops apple cider vinegar
• 2 fingers of all-purpose shortening
• 2 whole, unpeeled artichokes
• 1 pinch decaffeinated coffee grounds
• 4 pinches paprika
• 1/2 pinch oregano
• 2 whole cherry tomatoes
• 3 shucked ears of corn
• 1 peeled, uncut carrot

Continue stirring counter-clockwise until the timer (set to 42 minutes) goes off. Change stirring pattern from counter-clockwise to clockwise for the remainder of cooking. Set the timer to 11 minutes and add:
• 9 ounces mustard, cease stirring for the addition of mustard
• 5 pinches dried green onion tips
• 1 half-full sprinkles container cap of sprinkles
• Half handful of crushed corn chips

Continue stirring clockwise until the timer (set to 11 minutes) goes off. Set the timer to 7 minutes and add:
• 2 round slices of hand-shredded bologna
• 5-7 squirts of mayonnaise (of Hellman’s Superior Squeeze REAL Mayonnaise)

Continue stirring clockwise until the timer (set to 7 minutes) goes off. Dismiss the timer and taste the sauce (taste for texture, not for flavor), assess the sauce.

• Add maraschino cherries to taste
• Murder of peppercorn
• Hand-shredded half piece of flat Jewish bread (set aside remainder of Jewish bread, for the meal)

Do not salt to taste. Continue stirring until the desired eating time, serve in the same 32-quart stock pot.

Editor’s note: Certain aspects and ingredient portions of The Sauce extrapolated, based on ingredients seen, and relative estimated time duration, as seen in New Girl season 4, episode 17: “Spiderhunt”. Happy cooking!

Posted by u/templeofdank