How do you define being FULLY ALIVE?

How do you define being FULLY ALIVE?

Something very strange has been happening to me in my mid 40s. My relationship with TIME has changed.

I find myself waking up on a random weekday and thinking - “another Thursday. Jesus. I’ve been at these a long time.” I’ve become acutely AWARE of all the many many Wednesdays or Thursdays I’ve had. How many of them as a single parent I greet in a very very TIRED state.

One word comes to mind… Monotony. 😬
What an ugly word.

Earlier in life - that term - monotony- or the idea of it never even occurred to me. I was way too busy with life to even allow such a thought to enter.

And to make things even worse - the second thought after monotony is always SHAME.

Shame that I don’t wake up feeling immediately grateful for my life. That my eyes opened and there’s air in my lungs!! (Which I AM!!) But instead, that my first thought was more in recognition that “here we are again.”

Anyone out there relate to this kind of inner monologue?

It’s very strange. The recognition of one’s life passing by. How long you’ve been at it. How much longer will you be lucky enough to experience it? The fear that it’s going too fast. Or not full of enough meaning.

Am I making the main thing - the main thing?
Did I hug my kids and tell them how amazing they are today?
When did I call my parents last and say I love you?
Is the work I’m creating even meaningful?
Am I where I thought I’d be at 46?

Bueller? Bueller?

In other news… I love this whimsical sweater from @anthropologie (links to clothes are in my bio under SHOP MY POSTS) - and the excessive amount of accessories I have going on. This fit just made me happy all day.

I suppose I felt FULLY ALIVE today. 🤍