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Hands up who is an Overachiever? Me!

I spent most of my life setting my sights high, even goals that would slightly scare me.

I worked so hard and strived ever harder to achieve them.

I always did. I've reinvented myself professionally many times.

I used to joke to my husband: the next time I want to jump off another cliff, stop me.
And he'd respond: But then you'd get bored darling!

I’ve had around 4 very successful careers.

The latest one showing women how to break the cycle of toxic relationships, so they can find and teach their children what self-love and healthy relationships look like. It really is the job I love most and was born to do.

But before that, in my high-flying television career, nothing I ever achieved felt good enough.

I grew up with Imposter Syndrome, always trying to prove whatever it was I was trying to prove - I guess to myself that I wasn’t a failure.

Do any of you ever feel this way? This is so common - the fear that others are going to find you out as the fraud you think you are.

But what is rarely talked about is Underachievers.

For example, someone seemingly smart, well educated, and well brought up who self-sabotages every chance of happiness and success. It makes no sense from the outside looking in.

The self-saboteur is the High Achiever’s twin. Although externally they appear to be different what’s going on inside is the same - they don’t feel good enough.

But rather than the fear of failure driving you hard to overachieve, you do the opposite by not trying or giving up. You play it safe and never take risks for what you want.

‘I’m going to fail anyway, so what’s the point?’ you think.

You may have big dreams and aspirations but they’ll only ever be that - dreams. Not goals. If you keep to the middle of the road then you’ll never have to deal with failure.

So many women come to me devastated about the waste of their talent and years.

‘I'm so unfulfilled. I have so much I want to do to find my calling’ one woman told me. 'Why do I keep doing this?'

Another had dreams of being a singer/songwriter but gave them up, yet hates the job she’s worked in for years.

It’s the regret I hear in their voices that makes me sad.

Many have the same thing in common. They’ve come from narcissistic or controlling mothers. Quite often you’ll see some Highachieving siblings and Underachieving ones in the same family.

Those who take the Overachieving road spend their lives trying to live up to Mum’s impossible expectations, yet never feel anything they achieve is ever good enough.

Those who go down the Underachieving path are in a sense rebelling against her.

Always pressured to live up to such high standards that can never be met, they take their frustration or unresolved anger out on themselves.

‘See, I will never be who you want me to be!’ is the subconscious message they are sending out, as they unwittingly cut their own noses off to spite their face and sabotage their own efforts.

It’s a defense mechanism, but it’s destructive. A way of coping with unresolved unhappiness, insecurity, and emptiness.

Does this sound familiar to you.

'If I don’t try I won’t fail'.

'I’ll never amount to anything so what’s the point?'

Depression can set in. Addictive behaviors too, to self-medicate the inadequacy you feel. But this becomes a vicious cycle that keeps you numb and immobile. Underachieving just reinforces your feelings of worthlessness, which leaves you lonely and empty.

Self-sabotaging behaviour is not a lack of talent or skill. It’s an internal struggle within you. You are confusing self-worth with what you do or not do, not who you are.

The women I speak to who are ready to break this cycle are tired of getting in their own way. It is a choice that you make.

Only you can choose that you are worthy of happiness and success and take steps to find the right support to heal those childhood wounds.