Child Development II | Separation, Individuation & Re-Approach

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3 stages that occur in a child's early years of life (16 - 24 mos) are separation, individuation and Re-approach.

Separation refers to an internal process of mental separation from the mother, while individuation refers to a developing self concept. Although interrelated, it is possible for one to develop more than the other, largely depending on the mother’s attitude towards the child

There is a third phase after separation & individuation which is called ‘Re-Approach’ It just means a coming back and this is the complicated part about this phase. It occurs usually occurs between 16 to 24 months. At this stage the child’s brain & mind have become complex and they have experienced enough that it can for the first time start recognizing a little bit better the reality of who and what it is.

The child who last week was running around loose on the playground now becomes very clinging to the mothers and will not go out anymore. To the mothers this looks like a problem, a regression and they think that something’s wrong. Why are they are suddenly doing it now?

What this is in reality is quite literally an adult is a developmental achievement instead of a regression. The child realizes that the world’s a dangerous place & they now see themselves more realistically more maturely. They are running around loose with delusions of grandiosity and omnipotence, but then they realize “I am just a little kid”. I am just out here by myself so they get very clingy.

I think mothers that do not understand that is a developmental achievement so they punish the child or reject them or push them beyond their emotional capability. If that happens the child feels traumatized. We have to recognize and this is maybe the most important point if both these things are happening in the child simultaneously there is a conflict.

The child that wants to be independent and to be connected to mom seems inconsistent to a mother or father but it really appropriate developmental phase. If mothers are intolerant and punish the child, the child literally is falling apart because they are experiencing the frustration as the abandonment of the mother.
The response of the mother has to be an enveloping containing response that provides a soothing presence for the child. If the mother does not recognize the unconscious psychological emotional meaning of the behavior she cannot respond in a way that fosters growth and development.

Another thing that happens at 16 to 24 months is when items become incredibly important to the child. If you have ever had a 18-month-old who has his or her favorite teddy bear and you go take them into the car for a ride and the child realizes they do not have their teddy bear, they start wailing and screaming. The mother mistakenly thinks the meaning of this ‘transitional object’ is just that the child really really likes the teddy bear. That is not what is going on and if you think that way you do not get it. You are doing something that is quite seriously traumatizing the child.

The oneness experience with the mother slowly gives way to separation individuation and yet it is not a smooth process. So the advice here folks is spend the time & effort be good enough mothers get it right from birth to three or four and you will save yourselves a lifetime of suffering and struggle for your children.

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Donovan Bigelow is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) in private psychotherapy practice in Seattle, Washington. His clinical focus is on adolescent, adult, and couples therapy. He believe that therapists cannot take a patient deeper than they have been willing to go themselves.