Скачать или смотреть Sam Vaknin Three Roles of a Good Enough Mother

excerpt from    • Give 3 Gifts to Your Child: How to be Good...  
‪@samvaknin‬

Roles of good enough mother:
1. Expose the child to risks (hygiene hypothesis);
2. Push the child away;
3. Mediate reality (organize and interpret it).

When is a mother a good (enough) mother? According to Winnicott, when she gradually and increasingly frustrates her child. These cumulative denials of the child's wishes and negations of his delusional and fantastic magical thinking are crucial to his emerging perception of an external world and his unimpaired reality test.

The good mother encourages the child's separation from her and its individuation via the formation of inviolable and respected personal boundaries. She does not sacrifice her autonomy and identity and does not fuse or merge with her child or treat it as her extension.

The good mother acknowledges her own moments of exasperation and depression. She does neither idealize nor devalue herself or the child. She harbors realistic expectations of the budding relationship and reacts proportionately. She has no mood swings and is not labile. She is stable, firm but not harsh, just and predictable but never dull. She encourages her offspring's curiosity even as she indulges her own.

The narcissistic mother is a control freak and does not easily relinquish good and reliable sources of "narcissistic supply" (admiration, adulation, attention of any kind). It is the role of her children to replenish this supply, the children owe it to her. To make sure that the child does not develop boundaries, and does not become independent, or autonomous, the narcissistic parent micromanages the child's life and encourages dependent and infantile behaviors in her offspring.

Such a parent bribes the child (by offering free lodging or financial support or "help" with daily tasks) or emotionally blackmails the child (by constantly demanding help and imposing chores, claiming to be ill or disabled) or even threatens the child (for instance: to disinherit her if she does not comply with the parent's wishes).

The narcissistic mother also does her best to scare away anyone who may upset this symbiotic relationship or otherwise threaten the delicate, unspoken contract. She sabotages any budding relationship her child develops with lies, deceit, and scorn.

transcript:
what are the three gifts that a good enough mother gives her children
gift number one she exposes the child to risks
Yes you heard me correctly
gift number two she pushes her child away from her and
gift number three she mediates reality
she organizes reality and she interprets reality for the child

let's review some of these functions
exposing the child to risks
in medicine we have the hygiene hypothesis
children should be exposed to pathogens bacteria viruses dirt in order to develop the kind of immune response which prevents allergies
one of the main reasons that asthma and other allergies had exploded among children is because parents are too protective, they're trying to prevent the child from contracting any kind of disease
it's a no no to eat soil or dirt it's a no no to not wash your hands as a child
and so the good parent The Good Mother exposes her child to risks
risks are messages
risks are signals about reality
the child needs to experience risk in order to learn what to avoid in the future
a good enough mother pushes the child away from her
she encourages the child to separate from her
to become an individual
indivisible divisible from her
she encourages the child to venture out into reality, into the world
to grandiosely take on other people environments situations circumstances
she puts herself aside as an observer spectator
she does not interfere she does not intervene she's not over winning or domineering
she doesn't blackmail the child emotionally
we'll come to it a bit later
the good enough mother pushes her child away that's function number two and

function number three when the child takes on reality in the form of peers, in the form of circumstances
mother should be there
mother should be there to help the child organize the world understand the world comprehend it and interpret it
this is the third function of of mother
their role is to make sense of the world
to introduce the child to the rules of society as socialization agents
to acquaint the child with the rules of nature
this is hot don't touch it
it will hurt
they are the ones who buffer the child at once allowing the child to properly interact with reality without any firewalls and without any partitions and
on the other hand helping the child navigate these new rapids these new Shores these Terra Incognita