As the 2019-20 NBA season approaches, the burning question that is tormenting the prefrontal cortices of everyone's minds is this: what team is Jake "Lake Jayman" Layman playing for these days?
Okay, fine, maybe not everyone is asking that. In fact, maybe no one is asking that. But I am. Because it turns out that while I was assembling this vid and thus spending an inordinate amount of brain power on Layman, I realized that I don't know his current status. All I know is that I'm pretty sure he's not in Portland anymore, and that he's definitely not on the Bucks.
And yes, before you ask, I DID try putting my head inside my ludicrously overclocked microwave (which is actually nestled inside a second, industrial-sized and also mondo-overclocked microwave), setting the timer to ten minutes, and hoping the radiation would trigger some deeply-buried insights about The Turtle. It didn't work. Good news is, the Hot Pocket I had beside my head (before you laugh, running these babies costs a lot of electricity so I have to be efficient) ended up perfectly cooked, but I'm too nauseated to eat it. Why must God torment me so? Also, what are the symptoms of radiation sickness?
Before I give up and consult the Googs for answers, I'm going to make a list of Layman's most likely destinations, and then see if I was right. I bet I will be. Because somewhere deep in my mind, unreachable by even the harshest microwaves technology has to offer, is the knowledge of his new basketball home.
Team One: Utah Jazz
This makes a ton of sense because they're still a little salty about being spurned by Gordon Hayward, and Layman is the closest comp for Hayward in the league right now as long as you ignore the "quality" part of the equation. Joe Ingles is great, but he can't dunk like Hayward, and Grayson Allen is great too, but he's been tripping people non-stop since he got to Salt Lake City. Those dudes cannot fully replace what Hayward brought to the franchise for so many years. And not only does the front office yearn for another Hayward, but the fanbase does as well. Layman has a certain attribute that Jazz fans would find very soothing and reassuring. Also, people keep saying that the Jazz are a darkhorse candidate to make the Finals out of the West and there'd be no reason for people to say that unless the Jazz made some real impact moves in the offseason (like signing Layman to a cheapo 2-year deal).
Team Two: San Antonio Spurs
In the same way that the Jazz need a Hayward replacement, the Spurs need a Davis Bertans replacement. They traded Bertans away to make space for Marcus Morris (LOL), who then reneged on the agreement to sign in order to sign with the Knicks instead (double LOL). For some reason the NBA, despite all this, won't let them un-trade Bertans, and now they're stuck. The fact that Daulton Hommes is on their training camp roster kind of indicates that Layman is not, but it's possible that they wanted both Bertans 0.8 (Layman) and Bertans 0.3.2-alpha (Hommes).
Team Three: China
China is less a "team" and more a "global superpower", but they represent (along with Europe) what happens to NBA players who are kind of okay but not really okay enough to justify any more development time being spent on them. I don't view Layman as that kind of player, but it's within the realm of possibility that when I type "Jake Layman" into the Googs it will respond with "Jake Layman is an American basketball player who currently plays for the Guangdong Southern Tigers of the Chinese Basketball Association". If that's the case, I take full responsibility, because it's my fault that I didn't upload this video in time for NBA GM's to see it and be convinced that they should at least offer him a training camp deal.
Team Four: Minnesota Timberwolves
Remember when the Minnesota franchise was comprised of basically all white players? And I'm not talking about the Minneapolis Lakers days, I'm talking about recent history. Kevin Love, Robbie Hummel, Chase Budinger. Basically, I'm saying the Timberwolves signed Layman because he's white and no other reason. Straight up.
Team Five: Cleveland Cavaliers
The Cavaliers are the type of team who need to sign a bunch of randoms and hope one of them becomes a 20 ppg scorer. Layman could be that random! He could be lighting up the scrimmages as we speak! He got a fair amount of burn with the Blazers, but he was never truly unleashed, as far as I can tell. Which means that there's a chance that if you give him 40 minutes per game and of lot of ball time, he could give you those 20 points. They might have thought the same thing with Nik Stauskas, but Layman is way better than that scrubust.
Moment of truth: I am, right now, lifing the veil of uncertainty by typing the words "Jake Layman" into the Googs. I hope one of these six possibilities shows up, otherwise I'm totally going back and editing this description to make me look smarter.
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