Here it's Thursday, 9th August 1990, Channel Four (in the Anglia region) and probably the afternoon considering what's showing: a random old film from the archives. This time it's Stanley Donen's 1954 revue/biopic of Sigmund Rosberg, Deep in My Arse. I'm sorry, I'll read that again: Deep in My Heart. The kind of thing that often went out in the afternoons on the minority channels at the time. Epileptics might want to take note of the constant waves of interference zooming from side to side.
The first advert is DOGGE. It's Winalot, and it concentrates on rural working doggos as a sort of avatar for how healthsome their stuff is in general. After all, it's not as if you can't just buy it for your squish-faced, air-gulping designer thing, even though it wouldn't know a sheep from an unusually shaped cloud. Anyway, the premise is that this here deranged farmer is holding a conversation with his old sheepdog bitch, who's now retired, about the pick of her litter who have taken on her sheep-bothering duties. He's going on about tasty, tasty Winalot and pretending to make her jealous even though she's a dog and that facial expression probably just means she's a bit tired.
And now: whimsy, with Bella Emberg and the voice of Denis Norden. Since it's about horrible school dinners, you might be thinking it's for Dairylea or Petit-Filous or some other packed lunch staple, but it turns out to be for laundry instead. Stands to reason if this is the afternoon: kids aren't watching, but their stir-crazy parents are. Anyway, it's Ariel in specific that we're promoting today, and its latest gimmick is that it's SO BIOLOGICAL YOU GUYS. It cleans twice! Once in your mouth and once in your oesophagus! Bella approves.
PARAMOUNT PICTURES PRESENTS: TOM CRUISE. Still in his "extremely pretty shortarse" phase where good roles were a little hard to come by. Still, at least he hadn't been convinced he was Jesus by a sinister sadistic conman. Maybe I'm naive, but I think there's a decent chance he'd be quite a nice guy if it wasn't for you-know-what. Anyway this is the boilerplate CLIDVIC-on-wheels film Tuesdays of Thunder, where he met his next wife, just in time to divorce the first one. Hal Douglas does a good job of talking absolute bollocks, but then that's what they paid him for.
Oh, God it's Nannette again. She's assembled a bunch of kids to eat sausages, chips and beans, and then orders them to do their own washing-up, thereby teaching kids the valuable lesson never to trust grown ups, or Nannette Newman at least. Even though they don't seem that devastated by it - I wonder which take that "OH NO" was? Anyway blah de blah one lot get Fairy and the other lot get Bastard Liquid and surprise surprise Fairy is better, and Nannette illustrates with a final tableau of one table being fuller than the other as if that means anything.
Next: the future! Thudding synth and the white walls of some kind of laboratory with a gigantic screen. A tooth laboratory, apparently, staffed by some androids, including one labelled CREST SPOKESMAN with a sophisticated voice-synthesising unit, although they haven't figured out how to make the face move properly. It is only 1990. All this because Crest apparently has fluoride in "ionic form", a bit like Wonder Man, which in this case means nothing whatsoever but is very good apparently so there you are.
Finally, some beauty products we've seen before. First it's that Wash and Go advert with the nosey woman opening up other people's lockers and judging the contents. Two bottles are for twats, she only uses Vidal Sassoon's Magic Combined Gloop. It makes her hair bouncy.
Then there's the Oil of Ulay advert with the mother and daughter and such that showed up a year earlier after What's Up Doc. This is a slightly revised version, with new, equally clumsy overdubs (they've dropped the "Mum" to preserve the punchline, but kept the "hope I've inherited it" to cancel that out) and an extra hypoallergenic version at the end.
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