Merge Hell

I believe Trunk-Based Development should be the way to go - but you better not mistake this for Sloppy Development. Also: As you might have guessed, the refrain is an homage to Benny Benassi - link at the end of the video.

Verse 1:
We’re living on the edge, commits flyin' high,
No time for branches, no time to ask why.
Every line of code, yeah, it’s all on the line,
Ship it to prod, baby, we’re doin' fine.
We skip the reviews, we laugh at delays,
Feature flags? Nah, we deploy anyway.
Hotfixes on Friday? That’s how we play,
Every damn week is a code merge relay.

The pipeline’s burning, tests on the loose,
Green light or red, we don’t give a deuce.
Continuous chaos, but we’re locked in the shell,
Welcome, my friend, to Merge Fucking Hell.

Refrain:
Push me, and please don’t branch me,
Directly into production.

Push me, and please don’t branch me,
This is trunk-based destruction.

Push me, and please don’t branch me,
Straight into Merge Hell’s suction.

Push me, and please don’t branch me,
Welcome to this fucking junction.

Verse 2:
Stuck in the sprint, deadlines always tight,
Conflicts explode, we’re pullin’ all-night.
Scrum Master’s screamin', "Where’s that clean code?"
But we’re pushin’ fast, there’s no time to reload.
Hot mess on the merge, oh we love to collide,
Watch the commits break, it’s one hell of a ride.
The backlog’s on fire, can’t even debug,
Devs on the floor like, "We need a damn hug!"

The branches are gone, it’s trunk all the way,
Continuous disaster is just how we play.
We’ll fix it in prod, we’re Agile as hell,
Welcome aboard to our sweet Merge Hotel.

Refrain:
Push me, and please don’t branch me,
Directly into production.

Push me, and please don’t branch me,
This is trunk-based destruction.

Push me, and please don’t branch me,
Straight into Merge Hell’s suction.

Push me, and please don’t branch me,
Welcome to this fucking junction.

Bridge:
Commit by commit, we watch it all break,
No safety net, there’s too much at stake.
Rollbacks? Nah, let’s live dangerously,
In Merge Hell, we’re coding recklessly.
Automate the chaos, pipeline’s gone wild,
Ops team’s cryin', "Please stop this, child!"
But we’re pushin’ through, livin' Agile’s curse,
In Merge Hell, it’s about to get worse.

Final Refrain:
Push me, and please don’t branch me,
Directly into production.

Push me, and please don’t branch me,
This is trunk-based destruction.

Push me, and please don’t branch me,
Straight into Merge Hell’s suction.

Push me, and please don’t branch me,
Welcome to this fucking junction.

Outro:
Yeah, welcome to Merge Hell...
Maybe we’re lacking skill, baby...
And rollback’s just a dream...
Merge it, merge it… now push it.