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AITAH for Not Telling My Husband About My New Hobby?

I’m 34F, married to “Ryan” (36M) for 9 years. We’re generally solid: good communication, shared finances, two kids (6 & 4), no big secrets… until now.

Three months ago I quietly started taking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes three evenings a week. I pay for it out of my personal “fun money” (birthday cash, side-gig earnings), I arranged childcare with a friend, and I just… never told Ryan.

Why I kept it secret:
I knew he’d freak out about the cost, the time away, and especially the fact that it involves rolling around on the mat with mostly men (he’s the jealous type and has made comments about male trainers before).
I wanted something that was 100% mine for once. No kids, no husband opinions, no explaining myself. Just me getting strong and happy.
I planned to tell him once I was confident enough that he couldn’t talk me out of it.

Last week he found my gym bag with mouthguard and rash guard, googled the gym, saw the photos of me training with guys, and lost it. Called me deceptive, accused me of “hiding a second life,” said I clearly don’t trust him if I felt the need to lie for months, and that normal wives don’t keep huge hobbies secret.

Now he’s sleeping in the guest room and giving me the silent treatment. His mom and some friends are on his side: marriage means no secrets, and I broke his trust even though I wasn’t doing anything shady.

I feel guilty… but also like I finally did something for myself without asking permission, and now I’m being punished for it.

So Reddit, brutally honest:
AITAH for keeping my new martial-arts hobby a secret for three months because I knew my husband would try to control or shut it down?
Or did I cross a major line by hiding something this big from my life partner?

I love the sport and I’m not quitting. I just didn’t expect the cover-up to hurt him this much.

Verdict + advice in the comments. I’ll read every one.

🔔 Like if you believe grown women shouldn’t have to ask permission for hobbies.
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