Thich Nhat Hanh on the need to love and be loved

Thay explains about the delusion of having a separate self that causes us to create a shell, and when we feel lonely, we think that we are cut off from the world outside, that no one understands us. The need to love and the need to be loved are both efforts of breaking down this wall of having a separate self so that there is a 2-way love. However, often times, our efforts to communicate this love fail and we retreat to our corner, thickening up on our loneliness and the wall of that shell.
The word love can be used with many meanings, and some meaning can hide the violent or possessive intention to eat or consume the other person (or lobsters). So we should really look at the content of the qualities we mean when we use the word love.

The need to be loved has the 3 elements: to be understood, to feel safe, cared for and protected, and to be recognized for our talents and worth. We often say he or she doesn't understand me, but do we understand him or her? Do we observe and look deeply ("quán" as in "Quán Thế Âm" or Quanyin) at a person's abilities, potentials, and worth and not just their weaknesses to understand them and verbalize it to help them bloom beautifully?

Oftentimes, there can be elements of possessiveness/dictatorship that poison our love, such as I want to do this my way or you'll do this if you love me. That is not recognizing the other's needs and their wishes & potentials either and we suffocate or dry them up. A person is like a tree with many roots from which they draw nourishment and growth from, so we should cut off their roots or freedom to grow. Many roots help a person to be balanced and resilient if a disaster occurs.
Thay reminds us of the story from the Buddha about a young couple jumping into the Ganges River to die because their family wouldn't let them get married. The mistake of being so consummate and only think "without this person, my life is not worth living" is pointing at the internal knot and wrong view within the person and having one root. The other mistake is that their marriage is their own business only and not concerning the well-being, happiness and interconnectedness of the two families and the bigger community, so their death cause a lot of suffering for many.

Lastly, the Vietnamese saying of "sao cho trong ấm thì ngoài mới êm" (example: warming the belly first so the hands get warm) is pointing at creating warmth inside so relations outside can be smooth and harmonious.

This is a 2nd video in the Southern transmission of the Dharma series ("Đại Tạng Nam Truyền") on Nov 30, 1989. Original video in Vietnamese is at    • Видео  

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