"You have stage 4 melanoma."
Terrible and quick diagnosis. Trying to find some boundaries and deadlines, I subscribed to a group of people struggling with melanoma.
It's scary to read, but it seems to be important. I see how many operations people undergo, how someone goes into remission for many years, and someone dies in a few months.
It is the fear of these unknown consequences that scares me the most right now.
It’s scary to leave your family without money and it’s scary not to see how children grow up, not to help them become happy and fulfilled.
My mother always told me that I was in a hurry to live. And it was so - in principle, I managed a lot of what was in the category of dreams:
Graduated from Moscow State University
Became marketing director and brought some cool projects to market
Wrote a book (even two)
Found great friends
She gave birth to beautiful children from my beautiful man
Filmed on TV
Moved to USA
I traveled a lot and tried many different things (from flying in a hot air balloon to swimming with dolphins, playing theremin and molecular cuisine)
So in this sense, I am quite calm, although I thought that I was born to change this world for the better. I hope I still have time!
My life has given me a huge amount of incredible, but there was also a lot of difficult. And here is the disease. Which is just scary to say out loud, which requires a lot of research and makes you look at things in a new way. Ask yourself scary and important questions:
What if there is just a little bit left? What do I need to do?
What if there is too much pain? How will I survive it?
Where to find constant strength to fight?
The main thing is that my friends and relatives are nearby (sometimes virtually) - everyone is scared, but we continue to discuss ordinary things, just live in the moment. I never knew how to do this, I kept running somewhere.
I have already told how I found out that I have a tumor on the bones in my thigh and that it is melanoma (September 2022)
October 4, 2022.
I was transferred to the hospital to a great doctor and they operated on my leg and inserted several titanium pins to strengthen the thigh bone (one of the main ones for walking). After that, I went to rehab and pretty quickly started walking with a little help from a cane or walker.
Until October 4, 2022.
I had several MRIs and CT scans of my body while I was waiting for the operation on October 4th and were given all sorts of pills, including something for inflammation, but later I googled that they were antidepressants. And I was still thinking why I accepted all this so easily and even consoled all my relatives and friends myself. But they were given to me only before the operation, then I had to go on my positive.
Early October.
After the surgery, I was sent to a melanoma oncologist. At the first meeting, I was asked how I understood what was happening to me (before the diagnosis was announced). And since we already knew that metastases are visible everywhere - I said that apparently stage 3 or 4. (In advance, after all, everyone googled). They nodded (relieved that I understand the seriousness of the disease) and said that this is the 4th (stage 4 melanoma (this is the most severe stage, when the lungs, brain and internal organs are already affected). Then they showed what immunotherapy options are with a probability response (there is one that has fewer side effects, but the response to it is like 40%. Since I am young and my body was almost completely healthy before that, they offered me the toughest one with a response of about 60% or something. We opened a book with a list of side effects - from itching and diarrhea to constipation, loss of vision and voice. And the last question was asked:
Am I planning children?
It sounded quite comical to me in such a serious position - what other children are there? Make it to the New Year! And I replied that I don’t plan yet, although in general we were thinking about a boy closer to 40. The doctor announced that the consequences of side effects are often not reversible and I signed that I agree with everything.
It is done by one person and filming the process, the other checks it independently and two nurses also check in parallel that it is yours and that everything is described correctly. We arrived pretty pissed, but while we were driving, everything was just approved, just the insurance department submitted our data late.
The first immunotherapy was difficult and then side effects began: diarrhea (moreover, 7 stools per day is considered the norm, they had to be informed only if more). I fit into the norm 😀 and therefore I was prescribed only the funds from it. I was also all like a little mermaid, as if in scales and itched mercilessly.
I can tell you more about an unidentified stroke, a gammaknife and dozens of MRI, CT scans later, if it's interesting. Just let me know what are you interesting in!
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