Скачать или смотреть in search of a place i can call home

soon it will be a month since I'm not sleeping in my own bed.
almost a month full of bittersweet moments and so much novelty, i can barely keep up with it.
since then i have slept in three different beds, a couple of planes, and a few more trains.
surprisingly, in every one of those I've slept better than i did in my bed. still can't figure out why. is that because I'm finally on the move and tiredness of the day won't let my anxiety suffocate me at night? or is it because of softer pillows?
i started writing this without knowing what i want to say. but what i do know is that i desperately need to say it. i could say this to my friends but, as good friends often tend to do, they will only try to help me, they will try to make sense out of my feelings, try to help me understand myself. but how do I explain that i don't need to be understood, i don't want to make sense? sometimes you just need to say the words for the sake of saying them. you need to get them out so that you never think of them again.
because these exact words have been torturing my thoughts for almost a month. i'd been thinking of them as i ran through the airport at 1am, trying to find my gate, still full of excitement and anxiety. i thought of them as i was desperately clutching my poor, crumpled flowers in my tired hands, running through the train station because, apparently, life doesn't wait. the same poor flowers my sister bought me after she heard me complain to my friends that i miss plants. i'd been thinking of these words as i was sitting in a train, listening to this exact song on repeat.
i don't think i ever felt this many emotions at a period of time this short. don't think i ever felt joyous and lonely and free and hopeless all at once. didn't think it was possible but here I am, feeling them every day.
sometimes you just need to say the words that have been suffocating you. even if you don't need anyone to answer you. especially if you don't need anyone to answer you. you need to say them even when they don't make sense; not to you, not to anyone. and even a bare thought of saying them out loud seems foolish and idiotic, makes you want to laugh at yourself. but sometimes you need to say them anyway. because otherwise, they can eat you alive.

(the flowers are okay, they recovered like a champ)