This Business Wouldn’t Exist if I Hadn’t Gone No Contact with My Dad

Years ago, as a part of my eating disorder recovery, I realized that I had become a serial self-abandoner. When my values or principals came up against those of my employers and clients, when people did or said things that made me feel bad, even when I had promised things to myself to celebrate achievements and goals, I would never stand up for myself. I thought of myself as a team player, and I would bring up things I thought the team should know, but if someone in authority insisted on making bad choices, I would stand by and let them and then dutifully clean up after them. I got so good at this that cleaning up the messes of people in authority so they didn't have to face consequences or take accountability became a key part of my career.

After I realized this, I started to take my power back, and one of those ways was by going no-contact with my dad, the person who taught me these behaviors in the first place. My dad has always been fundamentally unreliable in every way. And the way that he never showed up for me, taught me to never show up for myself either. All the years I spent making excuses for him bled into my professional skill set where I got really good at making excuses for my problematic bosses.

For years I thought that if someone wasn't physically attacking me or stealing from me, that was decent behavior on their part. But the bar was still far too low! I If I hadn't taken that step to stand up for myself, to insist on a higher standard of treatment, insist that the people in my life show up for me, don't lie to me, and do what they say they're going to do. If all I bring to a relationship is an inability to hold someone accountable for their harmful choices, that's not a relationship I want to be in.

So I insisted on better treatment from my father. That didn't go the way I'd hoped, and we decided it was better if we don't talk anymore. And I was (and still am) absolutely devastated by that decision. But there are some things that are too costly to maintain, and a relationship with someone who requires you to abandon yourself for them is one of them.

That choice on my part ultimately led to me having a business that can and will stand by our values, even when the cost feels really high. We know from experience that nothing is worth more than our loyalty to ourselves.

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About Me: I'm Marina Martinez-Bateman, the CEO of New Coyote Consulting (https://newcoyote.com), an equity and communications firm from the Pacific Northwest, and designer/author of The Planner for Doing Less (https://marinaisgo.gumroad.com/l/DoLess).

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