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Talk Tune Up: Forgiving Too Fast
Can you forgive too fast? You can. That’s what we’re exploring in tonight’s lecture.

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Forgiving too Fast: Tonight's Highlights:
Your process is like your fingerprint. Only you can decide when you’ve had enough time to process.

Forgiving is sometimes seen as “heroic.” Also mentioned the process of forgiveness within the Amish community when 5 of their children were murdered. The article I talked about: Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy. https://www.npr.org/templates/story/s....
With that said..

Depending upon the depth of your pain/betrayal, you are human and there is a process for healing, several stages to get to forgiveness:

Shock, Anger, Grief, Acceptance Peace
So.. what can happen when you forgive too fast?
-Forgiving too soon masks the pain.
-Resentment/Anger/Bitterness can build long-term.
-Forgiving too soon can let the offender off the hook.
-Someone needs to be held accountable, fast forgiving will not always allow that.
-Forgiving too early after a painful encounter does not give you sufficient time to explore what was most upsetting about what happened.
-Forgiving too fast is sometimes driven by the need to make everything be the same again.
-You may end up getting really hurt or mistreated

One other thought.. think before you give people in your life advice to forgive… Telling someone to forgive when an injury is still recent is dismissive and invalidating.

Research shows forgiving too readily makes it more likely that those who hurt you will hurt you again. One study by Dr. James McNulty found that those who forgave others easily were almost twice as likely to be mistreated soon afterwards.

One more reason?
Forgiving fast is not a one-and-done. Sometimes we thing we only forgive the transgression once. Not always the case, eh?
What to say when someone apologizes and you’re not ready to forgive?
-“Thank you saying that to me.”
-“I appreciate you apologizing. I have to process this some more.”
-“I’m not sure how I feel yet. I do appreciate you saying that.”
-Thank you for that. I need some time to process. Can we talk
about this again later/in a few days/next time we’re together?” (Close friend/partner)


Next week, August 9: Giving Up Control

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Love, Dr. Shawne Project Forgive