Riley was the most loving, funny, thoughtful, hardworking, brave, articulate, intelligent, talented, and beautiful human. My only son, my beautiful boy, he took his own life on April 6, 2024 two months before his 22nd birthday. He had a great job, a wonderful girlfriend, had just moved into an apartment with her, big plans for fun vacations and adventures coming up, and lots of friends and family who cherished him and spent time with him. We all have a darkness inside us, though and he had been struggling with his; thoughts of suicide and worthlessness. I told him I loved him and was proud of him all the time. I spent lots of time with him and supported him in many ways, but I rarely asked him about his mental health. As I try to piece together his thoughts and feelings leading up to him leaving us, one thing really stands out: he didn’t think he deserved to be sad, or depressed. He thought that because he had been given a great life, that he didn’t have the right. In the letter he left he called himself weak and a coward. Anyone who knew Riley thought entirely the opposite. We all wanted to be more like Riley. But he thought his life was too good. He thought he was weak for not being able to fight the dark feelings. To the point when something happened that hurt him, he was already so deep into his pain, that he couldn’t see the light and love that surrounded him. Please understand that depression, thoughts of suicide, they’re chemicals unbalanced or missing in your brain that you can’t fix on your own. Just like we would expect someone with a heart condition to get help: support, medications and treatments. There’s no shame in getting help. You didn’t ask for this illness. You deserve to heal. You deserve to have a chance to live. You deserve love. You are important. No matter your past, or if you’ve done things that you regret, you have a light shining in you that the world needs. Don’t believe the voices that tell you otherwise. Death is a seductive and dangerous beast. It’ll trick you into thinking the world doesn’t need you. It is dead wrong. We need you. We love you. You are a miraculous creation, but our bodies are complicated, even the greatest scientists don’t fully understand it, and the human brain is the most complicated organ in the universe and because of that, it has many complications and illnesses far more complex than the human heart. None of us can fix these problems alone. You must get help to survive, but the survival chemical lives in our brain and if it’s depleted then your will to survive disappears. When you feel even a hint of that, is when you need to ask for help, because eventually death will get into your head and then it’s very hard to escape it’s treacherous grip. If you’re reading this and you’ve had these feelings of hopelessness please please text or call 988. You don’t have to be actively suicidal. They are trained professionals just for this very reason. They will help you find a doctor, treatment, counseling, medication. Please if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me. The grief of losing my amazing son has broken me forever and watching his grandparents, father, and sisters grieve is the most painful and devastating existence. I never have ever thought of ending my life, but this pain is excruciating and is hell on Earth. The only reason I can now go on myself is because of all the people that loved Riley so much. When Riley took his own life, he didn’t end his pain; he spread it all over us. And now we all have to fight extra hard to stay alive. And I’m going to fight. So please, I NEED YOU here to help me fight the good fight. This life is worth living. Please vow to get help when you’re feeling hopeless. Please vow to help others fight that darkness, too. I love you.
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