Greg's Drinking Song - feat. Santino Fontana - "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

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"Greg's Drinking Song"
Starring Santino Fontana, David Hull, Erick Lopez, and Vincent Rodriguez III
Written by Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen, and Rachel Bloom

Greg
GATHER YE ROUND AND I'LL TELL YOU A TALE
OF ALL THE GREAT TIMES I'VE HAD WITH AN ALE
THERE'S JOY AND THERE'S GLORY MORE THAN YOU CAN THINK
YES THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO ME WHEN I DRINK…

I PEE MY PANTS, MY PANTS
I PEE MY PANTS
I GET UP FROM THE BAR TO FIND PEE ON MY PANTS
I SAY IT’S WATER, BUT ALL IT TAKES IS A GLANCE
FOR PEOPLE TO REALIZE THAT I PEED MY PANTS

White Josh
Wow, I did not know it was that bad.

Greg
YES, WINE CAN BE FUN, WHITE, ROSÉ AND RED
‘TILL I CALL UP MY BOSS, SAY I WISH HE WAS DEAD
CHASE DOWN THE REGRET WITH SOME GIN FOR GOOD LUCK
THEN STEAL MY COUSIN JIM’S LANDSCAPING TRUCK
DRIVE HOME THEN…

I PUKE ON MY CAT, MY CAT
I PUKE ON MY CAT
I FALL THROUGH THE DOORWAY AND PUKE ON MY CAT
POOR LITTLE BRUNO DID NOT
EXPECT THAT
I TRY FOR THE TOILET, BUT PUKE ON MY CAT

WHILE SOME CAN ENJOY A SCOTCH WITH A STEAK
OR ONE GLASS OF WINE, THEN THEY’RE BARELY AWAKE
FOR ME IT’S MUCH DIFFERENT, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
I TRY TO HAVE ONE, IT JUST TURNS INTO TEN
AND THEN…

I FLY A PLANE, A PLANE
I FLY A PLANE
I KNOCK ON THE COCKPIT
SHOUTING, “I’LL FLY THIS PLANE!”
WE EMERGENCY LANDED, THE TSA CAME,
NOW I’M BANNED FROM SOUTHWEST, ‘CAUSE I TRY TO FLY PLANES

Everybody!

Guys
HE HAS SEX WITH A BUSH, A BUSH
HE HAS SEX WITH A BUSH

Greg
That wasn’t a woman?

Guys
NO, IT WAS A BUSH
IT HAD TWIGS AND LEAVES, ‘CAUSE IT WAS A BUSH

Greg
That’s where that scar comes from

Guys
FROM SEXING A BUSH
BUT HE’S BREAKIN’ THE CYCLE AND MAKING A PUSH
HE’S QUITTIN’ HIS DRINKING AND SAVING HIS PANTS
AND HIS CAT
AND SOUTHWEST
AND JIM’S TRUCK

Hector
AND MY CAR

White Josh
MY CAR TOO

Guys + Greg
AND THE BUSH!