lived

Hmm... I'm not sure how to begin on this one. I think to start off, I'll just say I'm glad that I'm still here and alive. Thank you!

Inspirations:
The Name Engraved in My Heart by ‪@lietk12‬:    • [ENG SUB] The Name Engraved in My Hea...  
Hide And Seek by ‪@cankrib‬:    • Line Rider - Hide And Seek | Collabor...  
i was seeing you through rose-coloured glasses (i still do, i'm sorry) by ‪@RayLR‬:    • i was seeing you through rose-coloure...  
i think i'm going to be okay by ‪@gooserockz‬:    • i think i'm going to be okay / Line R...  
Mount Eerie by ‪@branchesjade3638‬:    • Line Rider - Mount Eerie [4K]  
Don't Worry by Branches:    • Line Rider - Don’t Worry  
I Can't Ride These Lines Without You by ‪@Toivo.‬:    • Line Rider Story - I Can't Ride These...  
What Was I Made For? by ‪@Ava_Hofmann‬:    • What Was I Made For? | Line Rider | F...  
Everything Goes On by ‪@pocke_‬:    • Line Rider - Everything Goes On  

Anti-inspiration:
Give 'em hell. / DEVIL (I found myself when...) by me:    • Give 'em hell. / DEVIL (I found mysel...  

Song: "Nine" by Sleeping At Last.

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PLEASE WATCH THE TRACK ABOVE BEFORE READING WHAT'S BELOW! THANK YOU!!!

A year ago, I uploaded a Line Rider track called "Give 'em hell. / DEVIL (I found myself when...)" where it was basically about me leaving the Mormon religion and saying that "I found myself when I lost my faith" and then becoming the devil or something, I don't know. Nowadays, I feel more conflicted with the stuff that I said within that track because a few months later, I've felt more lost than I've ever been in my life. I felt very lonely and I have no sense of identity or who I am and it felt like I was stuck in a state that's really hard to crawl out of. Because of that, I just felt like I lied to many people about finding myself. I'm not exactly sure if I just found myself temporarily and just lost it again, or I was just lying to myself while making "DEVIL" and then lied to others without realizing it myself until later on. And because of THAT, I thought about just unlisting "DEVIL" itself, but decided against it due to how much people liked that track and me thinking that it still might help a few people who are having big religion issues. I still haven't watched that track myself in many months to this day. Maybe some point soon, I guess.

(I guess I should point out that the stuff where I talked about my PAST within "Give 'em hell. / DEVIL" was definitely true. It's just the "finding myself" stuff that I feel more conflicted on.)

However, even if I did unlist the track, I think it would have been temporary because I have been gradually feeling better over the past four months or so, and I think I found a bit of a new appreciation for "DEVIL", even if it's still VERY complicated (like I said, haven't watched it in months). I can't say that I've found myself, but I have been doing things for myself and discovering things about myself over the past year, like me going to a college that's NOT a mormon college and me being trans (they/she btw) and queer and all that. Hell, I think I feel better than when I released "Give 'em hell. / DEVIL" a year ago, which is a bit amazing to me ngl! Like, me six months ago wouldn't picture me being in this more healthy state that I am right now. Quite healing, isn't it?

So yeah, that's pretty much why "Give 'em hell. / DEVIL (I found myself when...)" serves as an anti-inspiration for "lived", and I tried showing it in "lived", especially with the beginning and ending. I hope all of this makes sense and thank you for reading all this! Anyway, I'm gonna end off this planned ramble thingy with a quote that felt reassuring from when I first read it:

"Life is not linear. Healing is not linear. Through each setback, through each tenuous step forward, through each detour and each victory, I will be there for you. I will sit with you through each twist and turn of our meandering path." -September Hofmann

Once again, thank you watching the track, reading this, and being here.