Sex Problems

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Scenario 1: You are normal. Sexuality like other aspects of nature is diverse. That includes what you desire and what feels good. You like light touch and maybe no touch. Great! You know that and you can communicate that if you want to get involved with someone. Not everyone wants the same things. There isn’t a one size fits all. If you want to keep clit contact to a minimum and have penetration, there’s doggie style!

Scenario 2: Is it possible that the fixation on erectile tissue length is a distraction for grieving the relationship and your intentions for the future? Either way, insecurity is a legitimate feeling to express and process. There’s a concept in psychology called state-dependent memories that may explain a little more why this is so difficult. Also, I made an episode about penis size that might be helpful.    • Does Size Matter?  

Scenario 3: The solution is very simple but it may bug you. Everything you just said to me, say to your partner. Open, vulnerable communication, sharing your experience and asking for help. What might annoy you about this is this relatively simple fix is that you can’t control the outcome. We can’t control what people think of us, or how they respond, or whether or not they will disappoint us. Eek. So, saying the words will resolve your situation but that doesn’t necessarily mean sex, desire, climax, or marriage. Stay curious.

Scenario 4: One way to locate a helping professional is through AASECT.org. They have a directory of sex therapists, counselors, and educators by location. I would recommend six appointments with someone before deciding whether or not this route is helpful to you. Give someone enough time to help you sort through ideas that might be self-sabotaging for you.

Scenario 5: It sounds like there’s a lot of curiosity around your new partner’s anatomy and physiology. It’s great that you’re curious and I think you’ll enjoy learning. My top suggestion is showing him how you like being pleasured and then asking him to reciprocate. You can also create want/will/won’t lists of your sexualities and compare notes. Ultimately, if you’re stumped, it’s because you’re navigating a new situation. Every situation is like this, be gentle with yourself. And yes, adults can have undescended testis or no testis.

Scenario 6: You’re right, our bodies do affect our sex lives. This is a powerful thing to accept. Something I’d be careful with is the belief that you know what the effects are. Being flat chested can be really positive. Try to stay open to how your body and relationships unfold. Now, as for feeling valid like a valid person, one way to do this is to do person things -- things that only someone who is in fact a person can do -- teach a dog a trick, make a purchase, study a new language, read a book, express yourself with art. Are you a valid person? Yes.

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