What Seems to Be The Officer, Problem? - SOUTH PARK

While driving the boys home, Randy gets pulled over. He fails a sobriety test, let's his pants fall down and gets arrested.
"Bloody Mary" S09

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#SouthPark #SouthParkS09

INT. CAR - MOVING - NIGHT

Dad is drinking from his bottle while driving the boys
home. Stan is in the passenger seat, Cartman, Kyle and Ike
are in the back, all still wearing their Karate outfits.
STAN
Dad, aren't you supposed to like,
not drink and drive?
STAN'S DAD
I'm not drinking and driving, I'm
driving WHILE I'm drinking! Right
boys?!
CARTMAN
Sure, whatever dude.
STAN'S DAD
Oh I gotta pee. Hand me that empty
bottle, Stan.
STAN
What? Just pull over.
STAN'S DAD
Stan you need to learn some things
about being a man. Now give me that
bottle.
Stan reaches down and hands him the bottle. We don't see
what Stan's dad is doing, but is obvious from how his hands
move.
STAN'S DAD
There's a -- reason God made our
penises like little hoses, boys.
Hold the wheel Stan.
Stan leans over and takes the wheel.
STAN'S DAD
When you kids start driving you're
gonna need to learn to do this too.
Whoop!
Stan's dad bumps the wheel, Stan's hand slips and The car
swerves.
STAN
Dad, we're gonna crash!

STAN'S DAD
SSSH!! I'm trying to concentrate!
Just hold the damn wheel.
Colored lights flash behind the car.
Cartman and Kyle look out the back window.
KYLE
Dude, I think you're being followed.
STAN'S DAD
Oh yeah?
Stan's dad flips him off through the window
STAN'S DAD
GET OFF MY ASS, DICKHOLE!
CARTMAN
No, Dude, it's the police.
Now we hear the SINGLE SIREN go WRRRRRR.
STAN'S DAD
Oh crap!
Stan's dad panics and pulls over the car.
STAN'S DAD
HERE! HOLD THIS!
Stan takes the bottle of pee and looks grossed out.
STAN
AW IT'S ALL WARM!
STAN'S DAD
Everybody just stay calm. I can
handle this no problem!
Stan's dad takes out a piece of gum and chews it quickly.
STAN'S DAD
I know how to deal...
TAP TAP TAP - a flashlight knocks against the glass. Dad
hits the button and the window goes down.

POLICE MAN
License and registration, please.
STAN'S DAD
What seems to be the officer,
problem?
POLICE MAN
Sir why don't you step out of the
car for me.
STAN'S DAD
Okay.
Stan's dad opens the door and gets out.
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
The cop leads Randy over by his squad car.
COP
Sir, I'm going to give you a
sobriety test.
STAN'S DAD
Okay, no problem. Easy.
COP
Stand over here please. Right
there. Alright, Now I want you to
hold your arms out at your sides.
Stan's dad does - he immediately starts to stumble a
little.
STAN'S DAD
There! I did it, see?! No problem!
COP
And now touch your finger to your
nose.
STAN'S DAD
DO WHAT?!
COP
Touch your finger to your nose.
Stan's dad stands there with outstretched hands looking

confused.
STAN'S DAD
OH COME ON! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
COP
Just bring one hand to your nose
like this.
The cop shows him. Stan's dad stands there, wavering a
little... He thinks... He sticks his tongue out like he's
concentrating.
STAN'S DAD
Okay... Okay.. hang on...
He slowly starts to being one finger inward... slowly...
stumbles... Then spins around, his hands outstretched, we
can see his ass crack.
STAN'S DAD
Okay... Hold on... Hold on... hang
on...
ANGLE - INSIDE THE CAR - Stan is in the passenger seat
holding his nose in one hand, while the other boys crawl
all over each other to get a look.
CARTMAN
Dude, what the hell is he doing?
KYLE
I think his pants are falling down.
CUT TO - the back door of the police car slams shut with
Stan's dad in the seat, handcuffed.
STAN'S DAD
(through the glass)
WHAT?! WHAT'D I DO?! WHAT'D I DO?!
INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
WIDE shot of the police station - some guys working at
their desks, a vagrant being brought in.
Stan's dad is sitting down at a desk and blowing into a
tube.

STAN'S DAD
(BLOWING SOUND)
POLICE WORKER
Keep blowing... Keep blowing... Keep
Blowing...
STAN'S DAD
(BARFS)
POLICE WORKER
OH JESUS!
Meanwhile, the boys are still in their karate outfits,
sitting on a bench with a handcuffed prostitute on one side
of them and a drug addict on the other. The prostitute
lights a cigarette with her handcuffed hands.
STAN
This is SO embarrassing.
CARTMAN
You know, Stan. I'd say that your
dad RACKS a disaprin