Why Do We Push People Away? Understanding Our Defenses

Описание к видео Why Do We Push People Away? Understanding Our Defenses

Defense mechanisms function as unconscious psychological strategies we deploy to navigate reality and sustain a consistent self-image. They act as a shield, guarding against feelings of anxiety, shame, and vulnerability. They are feeling states that prompt us to avoid contact and trick us into thinking they protect us against emotional harm.

Ancient philosophers recognized the human tendency to evade uncomfortable truths. In Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, he vividly depicts individuals shackled in a cave, seeing only shadows and illusions. Upon being freed and confronted with the light (truth), some retreat to the familiar darkness, unable to bear the illumination of reality. Aristotle wrote about akrasia, which meant a weakness of will that drives one to act against their better judgment, in essence, rejecting reality as unbearable. The stoic philosopher Epictetus noted that people have fantasies of controlling external events and directing them inward to choose how they respond instead.

Defenses are affective states that can interfere with our clear, reality-based functioning. They may be complex reactions that muddy our perception of reality, effectively shielding us from feelings or knowledge we find intolerable. They can take the form of denial, regression, rationalization, and even altruism. These are not merely intellectual barriers; they are emotional walls that can keep us from connecting with our own experiences and the people around us.

The most common inner conflicts arise from thwarting our instincts. These foundational systems generate intense feelings to guide us. Jung identified multiple instincts: creativity, reflection, activity, sexuality, and hunger. He added the religious instinct to describe how humans naturally generate symbolic systems to link their waking state to the deep unconscious. Freud detailed the multiple symptoms that arise from repressed sexuality, from phobias to hysterical blindness. Jung agreed but understood that thwarting any one of our natural responses would rob us of vitality and distort our adaptation to reality.

Cultural expectations, individual trauma, religious demands, and family patterns can convince our waking personality that any one of our instincts is dangerous. When we are overwhelmed by these inner conflicts, we will likely deploy primal defenses like dissociation or acting out. If we can find a more adaptive stance, we will likely intellectualize the conflict or even find it humorous. The goal is not to banish all defenses; we need to manage our exposure to the intensity of life but to discover self-management strategies that allow us to remain effective even under stress.

HERE'S THE DREAM WE ANALYZE:
It's nighttime, and I'm playing with my children outside, somewhere like the bottom porch of a two-story building. Suddenly, I notice men, possibly soldiers, carrying dead bodies next to us up the stairs. I don't know what to do. My children haven't noticed, so I let them continue playing. The next thing I know, one of the soldiers is carrying my son up the stairs over his shoulders, and my husband is carrying a dead body into our house on the adjacent side of the street. The man tosses my son onto a pile of dead bodies on the second-floor porch. I thankfully make it just in time to catch him as he slips off the pile of corpses. Looking up at the room of men on the second floor (the soldier who took my son is in the middle, looking at me with 3 or 4 other soldiers around him), I yell and try to insult them with something like, "What have you blown your brains out? How stupid can you be?!"

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