Скачать или смотреть Wedding Night Trauma Psychology of the Daf Eruvin 47 Rabbi Simcha Feuerman LCSW-R, DHL

The Daf from a Psychological Perspective
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In this section we will discuss and an unusual custom that, according to some, was enacted in order to forestall wedding night trauma. Imagine if one year the Moschiach came and Elijah the prophet announced that this year the Mitzvah on Seder night is to have a Ham on Rye. Even the most devout believer would probably choke while trying to perform the Mitzvah. This is what wedding night trauma is for some couples who have spent their whole life feeling the sexuality is Forbidden and suddenly it is an obligation to perform. This experience can lead to years of trauma and dysfunction such as painful intercourse and impotence.

רַבִּי יְהוּדָה אוֹמֵר: נְשׂוּאוֹת — יִתְאָרְסוּ.
Rabbi Yehuda says: A woman who had been married when she became widowed or divorced may be betrothed immediately, as couples do not have relations during the period of their betrothal. However, she may not marry until three months have passed, in order to differentiate between any possible offspring from the first and second husband.
וַאֲרוּסוֹת — יִנָּשְׂאוּ, חוּץ מֵאֲרוּסָה שֶׁבִּיהוּדָה, מִפְּנֵי שֶׁלִּבּוֹ גַּס בָּהּ.
A woman who had only been betrothed when she became widowed or divorced may be married immediately, as it may be assumed that the couple did not have relations during the period of their betrothal. This is except for a betrothed woman in Judea, because there the bridegroom’s heart is bold, as it was customary for couples to be alone together during the period of betrothal, and consequently there is a suspicion that they might have had relations, in which case she might be carrying his child. However, no similar concern applies in other places.
כתובות יב, א
מתני׳ האוכל אצל חמיו ביהודה שלא בעדים אינו יכול לטעון טענת בתולים מפני שמתייחד עמה:
MISHNA: A man who eats at the house of his father-in-law in Judea after betrothal and with-out witnesses to attest to the fact that he was not alone with his betrothed is unable to make a claim concerning virginity after marriage because in accordance with the custom in Judea, the assumption is that he secluded himself with her, and the concern is that it was he who engaged in intercourse with her.
שיטה מקובצת כתובות שם
מתניתין האוכל אצל חמיו כו'. מפני שמתייחד עמה. כלומר דרכן של בני יהודה היה לייחד החתן עם הכלה קודם שנכנסו לחופה כדי שיהא לבו גס בה שתאהב הכלה את החתן לפי שאין האשה כורתת ברית אלא למי שעשאה כלי ואם ח"ו תבעל להגמון אחר כך תבעל לה באונס א"נ כדי שימצאנה ההגמון בעולה ויבטל גזרתו שגזר כל בתולה שנשאת ברביעי תבעל להגמון תחלה ומשום הכי היה מנהג ביהודה יותר משאר מקומות לפי שרוב גזרותיו ביהודה משום שיודע שממנו עתיד לצאת משיח שיושיע את ישראל וישפוט את הר עשו
The shita seems to hold that the reason for the custom in Yehuda was in reaction to the Primae Noctis, a custom in many cultures in the ancient world for the king to have sexual relations with the virgin bride before her wedding. The inhabitants of Judea would allow the bride and groom be sexual once during their erusin (betrothal period) before their nesuin either to create the bond between husband and wife before the Hegemon interferes or to actually outwit him by rendering her no longer a virgin.
רש״י יבמות מא, א
חוץ מארוסה שביהודה - דתנן פרק קמא דכתובות (דף יב.) ביהודה היו מייחדים החתן והכלה קודם כניסתן לחופה כדי שיהא לבו גס בה כלומר רגיל ומצחק עמה שלא יהיו בושין זה מזה בבעילת מצוה הלכך חיישינן דלמא בעיל:
According to Rashi the custom was in order to prevent wedding night trauma. The custom in Judea was to encourage developing comfort and a relationship first before the pressure of having to be sexual on the wedding night.
Interestingly enough, the Yad Ephraim )קצ״ז) on Yoreh Deah (1760-1828) records a contemporary custom of the groom being alone with the bride the night before the wedding in order to fulfill the requirement of making sure the groom voluntarily chooses the bride and desires her as well as quotes this Rashi about them being comfortable before attempting intimacy.
“….ולפי מנהג מדינות אלו שבלילה שלפני החופה שעושין סעודה בבית הכלה שקורין חתן מא"ל ומביאין החתן ג"כ לשם עם הבחורים לאחר הסעודה מייחדין החתן והכלה בחדר מיוחד מ"מ נראה דשפיר טובלת ביום דלא שייך בזה סרך בתה דאע"פ שמייחדין אותם מ"מ ידוע שהיחוד אינו לביאה רק בכדי לקיים דברי חז"ל אסו' לקדש אשה עד שיראנה וגם שיהא לבו גס בה…”

What is fascinating here is that wedding night trauma is an experience that seems to be cross-cultural and cross-generational. Even though we do not have these customs that they had in Judea it does tell us that we could be attuned and find our way to forestall this problem. Thorough premarital counseling and education as well as rabbinic sensitivity and parental involvement is crucial.