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BREAKING NEWS: Experts Confirm Free Speech Responsible for Every Disaster in Human History

February 17, 2025 – In a stunning revelation that absolutely no one asked for, top historians, scientists, and internet comment section warriors have concluded that free speech is the single greatest threat to human civilization. New research, conducted exclusively by people who already agreed with the conclusion beforehand, has determined that every major tragedy, war, and catastrophe in history can be directly traced back to someone “running their mouth.”

A Brief History of Free Speech-Induced Doom

The Fall of Rome (476 AD): Scholars now believe that Rome didn’t collapse due to economic decline or barbarian invasions, but because someone dared to ask, “Hey, should we really trust these Visigoths?” Too much dialogue led to hesitation, and boom—empire gone.

The Black Plague (1347-1351): Commonly blamed on rats and fleas, the real culprit? Free speech. Some guy in 1346 said, “You know, this whole ‘washing hands’ thing is overrated,” and suddenly 200 million people were gone.

The American Revolution (1775-1783): A prime example of the catastrophic power of free speech. Had a few troublemakers not said, “Hey, taxation without representation seems bad,” the colonies would have remained in perfectly peaceful servitude forever.

The French Revolution (1789-1799): The guillotine? Reign of Terror? All because some philosophers had the audacity to write about “liberty” and “equality.” See what happens when you let people have opinions?

The Civil War (1861-1865): Before free speech, America was a harmonious land of… well, okay, no, but the point is, someone opened their mouth about abolition, and next thing you know, 600,000 people were dead. Thanks, free speech.

World War I (1914-1918): Some guy in Serbia said, “Hey, maybe Austria-Hungary isn’t that great,” and next thing you know, millions were in the trenches.

The Great Depression (1929): Wall Street crashed because people kept talking about investing. If no one had said “Buy low, sell high,” the economy would still be fine.

World War II (1939-1945): Historians once blamed fascism and militarism, but let’s be honest—free speech played its role. If people had just not spoken out against bad ideas, those ideas would have politely gone away on their own, right?

The Cold War (1947-1991): Free speech literally created nuclear war tensions. Capitalists said, “Hey, maybe communism isn’t the best idea,” and the communists said, “Oh yeah?”—then boom, four decades of global paranoia.

The Moon Landing (1969): Free speech let people think about landing on the moon, which led to a global arms race, billions spent, and worst of all, conspiracy theories.

The Internet (1990s-Present): Arguably the most destructive invention of all time. Once upon a time, people had to shout their bad takes in town squares. Now, every disaster, from political unrest to pineapple on pizza, can be directly traced to someone tweeting their opinion.


The Solution? The End of Thought!

To prevent future catastrophes, experts propose a new, bold solution: The Global Silence Initiative™, where speaking, writing, or even thinking unauthorized thoughts will be gently discouraged via government-approved tranquilizer darts.

A world without free speech means a world without mistakes! No more wars, no more protests, and best of all—no more bad takes on social media.

As this report concludes, authorities warn that even reading these words could be dangerous. So for safety reasons, please close your eyes immediately.

This article was approved by the Universal Bureau of Acceptable Thoughts.