LaMarcus Aldridge All 280 Midrange Jumpers Full Highlights (2014-2015 Season Jumperilation Part I)

“You know what, Wes?”

Wes Matthews, who was focused intently on the game of Madden in front of him, didn’t respond right away. When he ended up throwing an incomplete pass, he paused the game angrily. “What?”

LaMarcus Aldridge set down his controller and laid back contemplatively on the couch. “All this time I’ve been in Portland, I haven’t had a single girlfriend.”

“What are you talking about, man? You’re banging chicks constantly. You talk about it all the time. It’s honestly gotten a little tiresome.”

Shaking his head, LaMarcus responded, “Do you think I don’t know that? I’m talking about girlfriends here. Girlfriends. Like a girl you see more than once.”

“I know what a girlfriend is,” Wes replied surlily. “Now can we get back to the game here? I was just in the middle of picking apart your secondary.” He unpaused the game, but, just as quickly, LaMarcus re-paused it.

“Not so fast. This is a serious conversation here. It deserves your full attention.”

“FINE!” Wes sighed dramatically, letting his controller drop to the floor. “So you want a girlfriend. Just go out and get one.”

“If it’s so easy, dude, why don’t you have one?”

“I do have one!” Wes responded hurriedly, but when he noticed the doubt on his teammate’s face, he amended, “Well, I don’t have one right now, but that’s because I don’t want one. Wes Matthews doesn’t need a girl tying him down. He wants to keep playing the field like my man Russell Wilson, who by the way, was in the middle of making your cornerback look like a bitch.”

LaMarcus looked annoyed. “Can you stop being an asshole for just one second? I’m asking for your help here. I want a girlfriend but I have no idea how to do it.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll help you get a girlfriend,” Wes said dismissively, picking his controller up off the floor. “But we’ll do that later. Right now I want to see how many touchdowns I can score before halftime.”
—
“What’s this app called again? Snapzer or something?” LaMarcus asked, looking over Wes’ shoulder as Wes fiddled with LaMarcus’ iPhone.

“Tinder, dude. Snapchat is something totally different.”

“Oh. Do I want Snapchat too?”

Wes shook his head. “That’s for after you get the girlfriend so then you can send naughty pictures to each other. Anyway, I got you all set up, so now you can start tindering.” He handed the phone back to its owner, who looked at it with confusion.

“That chick is ugly. You’re saying I have to go out with that thing?”

“Of course not, you dope. Nobody wants to go out with that thing. That’s why she’s on Tinder. If you swipe her to the left she goes away. If you swipe her to the right then that means you want to bang her.”

LaMarcus positioned his finger over the screen. “So I want to swipe left.”

“WAIT! WAIT!” Wes yelped, grabbing the phone out of LaMarcus’ hand. “If you swipe left all the time you’ll never get any matches. You should just swipe right unless it’s a dude or an amputee or something.”

“You sure?”

Wes gave his teammate a look and handed the phone back. “Who’s the expert here? Now, remember what I told you. Swipe right.”

LaMarcus swiped his finger across the screen. “Okay, so now I see another chick. What about the first one?”

“You must not have matched. She probably thought your profile pic was ugly. She’s probably right about that.”

“Shut up,” LaMarcus said testily. “Remember, this is the face that gets at least three girls a week to take off their clothes in my bedroom. Now, this chick is okay looking. I should swipe right, right?”

Looking at the screen, Wes nodded. “She looks like a hipster, but sometimes hipster chicks are really clingy and dependent. That makes them really easy to make into your girlfriend. Swipe her, dude.”

LaMarcus squinted at the screen. “Uh oh, we matched. What do I do now?”

“Don’t send her a message,” Wes instructed. “That reeks of desperation. Remember, she’s the desperate one.”

“Let me get this straight. I’m supposed to match with as many girls as possible, but never send a message to them because it’s desperate? It seems like I’m the desperate one considering I’m doing all the swiping and I just really want a GF.”

Wes was unmoved by LaMarcus’ complaints. “Trust me. This works. Now keep swiping.”
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Part II:    • LaMarcus Aldridge All 280 Midrange Ju...  

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