"You Can Feel Almost Like a Spectator"

Sometimes embryo adoption dads struggle with parental identity. That stems from being the only adult in the process donor or recipient without a genetic or biological connection to their child. But shared biology and genetics aren’t the only traits that make someone a ‘real dad.’ NEDC dad Derek King has worked through those awkward feelings. He has a ton of helpful insights for other EA dads to kick off Season 4 of The Embryo Adoption Podcast.

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00:01
Mark Mellinger
The unique parental identity struggle of an embryo adoption dad. That is what we're talking about today on the Embryo adoption podcast brought to you by the National Embryo Donation center. You can learn more about [email protected] I'm your host, Mark Mellinger, and Derek King. An NeDC dad is my guest today. He and his wife Bethany have two kids through embryo adoption with the NedC, Lewis and Iona. And so good to have you here, Derek. And as you and I were talking not long ago, as an embryo adoption dad, you wrestled at first with the fact that you're the one person involved in the process who wouldn't have a biological or genetic connection to your kids. So let's start there. What feelings does that bring up for an embryo adoption dad? What did it bring up for you?

00:55
Derek King
That's a good question mark, and thanks for having me on. You all meant a lot to us, and so I'm glad to be on here and I'm excited to talk with you today. It was something I don't know if I felt it wasn't in a moment. It didn't hit me all at once. But something that kind of unfolded over the last few years of recognizing that there is something different in the way we're able to relate to our children. And it's something that I'm extremely grateful for. And so I hope that no one hears me complaining about this, that my wife has this kind of unique biological bond with our children. I love that. And that was one of the things that drew us to embryo adoption in the first place as well. Something that were really excited about.

01:39
Derek King
But, yeah, it's just something that's, as I've kind of reflected on it, recognizing that my relationship to our children is different. It's a small way. And of course, the relationship is the same. I feel as much their dad as I'm sure Bethany does their mom. But, yeah, especially comparing it to more typical adoption stories where both parents are kind of in the same boat. They probably feel the same about their relationship, maybe have some of those same as, you know, Bethany carried our children in her womb like any other normal pregnancy. People around us saw her doing that, and there's just that kind of little edge to it that being an embryo adoptive father, you don't have any role, really. It feels almost like a spectator at times.

02:36
Derek King
And of course, just in ways that babies typically are made, dads are almost only spectators anyway. But, yeah, I just kind of felt that a little bit more is that the only thing I can do is support my wife and I just felt that a little bit. I felt that tension. But overall, I'm still just thrilled over the moon that Bethany is able to have that relationship with our children, even though I don't share in, and I'm.

03:12
Mark Mellinger
Interested in knowing how did you and you've written, and I'm glad you've written this because it's absolutely the truth. You've written, hey, I am their real dad, this is not a hoax. And what you just said is absolutely correct. I mean, my kids are biologically mine and I didn't have much to do with that. Nine months of pregnancy. I totally agree with that. So trust me. Yeah, an embryo adoption dad isn't doing hardly any less than other dads. So yeah, you're absolutely right about that. How did you start to get to the point though, Derek, where parental identity wasn't such a fragile thing anymore?

03:53
Derek King
Yeah, good. It's something that any adoptive parent has to work through to some extent, and as even just preparing for adoption. And adoption was something that my wife and I had talked about very early on. I think even before were married, we had talked about this being in our future and wanting to do this at some point. So even just that always being in the background of our minds, you already kind of start to work out what that would be like, what that would feel like, especially if you already had biological children, which my wife and I did not. But if you already had biological children, would it feel different? And I think there's that question.