"Gilbert Gottfried sits in for The News" (February 5, 2003 -

Comedian Gilbert Gottfried came in to hang out during the news and to plug a couple of comedy gigs he has coming up. He's appearing at Caroline's comedy club in New York City tomorrow night.

Howard told Gilbert that he shouldn't be cutting his hair so short. He said he still has hair and shouldn't be buzzing his head like that. Howard also heard that Gilbert was out at a Comedy Central party last night and he was stealing food at the end of the party. He heard he was shoving it into his knapsack. Gilbert said that wasn't true but Howard had Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) on the phone who said he saw him doing it. Chaunce said he saw Gilbert putting lasagna and baked ziti in his bag. He claimed that Gilbert put it in napkins and then into his bag. Gilbert denied it and Howard said he wasn't so sure that he believed Chaunce. Chaunce swore that he saw this but Howard said he's been the victim of Chaunce's ''I swear to god I saw...'' claims and they weren't true. Howard got Chaunce off the phone and the guys continued to goof on Gilbert about it. Gilbert said the only thing he would have taken were chicken wings and he would never put them in his knapsack. Howard said he doesn't think Gilbert would ruin his four dollar back pack to steal some food. Robin asked Howard who he thinks is weirder, Gilbert of Michael Jackson. Howard quickly said Michael Jackson. Even Gilbert isn't that weird. Artie and Gilbert goofed around with the food stealing idea and made jokes about it for a couple of minutes. Artie joked that they found cheese in Gilbert's wallet. Howard had to take a break after just a few minutes. When they came back Howard had Abe Hirschfeld on the phone.

Howard And Gilbert Goof On Abe Hirschfeld. 2/5/03. 9:15am
Back in August of 2001 Abe Hirschfeld called in to talk to Howard about being in jail. Gilbert Gottfried was in then and ended up goofing on Abe's accent and had him repeating stuff that they pretended not to hear. Well, they did the same thing today. Howard got Hirschfeld on the phone and asked him a couple of quick questions about going to prison for a while. Howard said he was going to try and kill his partner or something like that. He asked Abe if he killed him and Abe said that the guy died before he could kill him. Hirschfeld claims that he never intended to kill the guy. Howard asked him how old he was and found out he's 84. Abe said he has a diet that will allow people to eat whatever they want and not gain any weight. Howard introduced Gilbert and told him he was going to sing a blessing before they spoke anymore. Gilbert then went into one of his Jewish songs that seemed to never end. Abe said the way he sang it made it sound like Hip-Hop. Howard got back to Abe and asked him some questions about the money he's worth. He went through some of the stuff he's been working on and asked him why he doesn't rest. Abe said he likes to do good things for the public. Gilbert interrupted him and started doing an impression of Abe as he would sound if he was Dracula.

Abe started to talk about some of the problems we have in this world. He said he wants to stop the many divorces we have. He said he's been married 60 years now. He said he was going to tell people how to have a good marriage. He went on to tell a joke that didn't make much sense. It was about a 10 year old boy asking his mother how old she is and how much she weighs. She tells him that it's not polite to ask stuff like that. He also asks the mother why she's divorced. She won't tell him so he finds her license and it says she's 35 years old, weighs 120 pounds and it says she got an ''F'' for Sex, that's why she got the divorce. Howard and Gilbert then proceeded to have Abe repeat that joke over and over and over again. They kept telling him they missed part of the joke or they just didn't get it. Abe would tell it over and over again while Howard, Artie and Gilbert laughed hysterically. Howard had the microphones down so Abe couldn't hear them. Howard asked Abe what the whole joke meant because he didn't really get it. He finally asked about it after Abe told the joke about 5 times. Gilbert told Abe that he didn't hear all of the joke so he asked him to tell it once again. Howard said he couldn't take it anymore. Howard said he'd love to meet this guy. He used to hang out with President Kennedy and now he's getting dicked around by Gilbert. Gilbert had him repeat the joke again when he said they wanted to record it. Howard and the guys continued to laugh as he told the joke for the tenth time. Howard said he wasn't even sure what Hirschfeld was calling in for.

Hirschfeld said he had to plug something and started talking about the divorce thing again. Gilbert kept goofing on his accent though. Abe told one last joke as Howard was trying to wrap up the call and it just wasn't working. Howard finally got him off the phone. Gilbert goofed on him a little bit more before Howard took his break. Gilbert hung around for Robin's news.