I Hate Myself - Natsuki Subaru's Words

I Hate Myself - Natsuki Subaru's Words

Subaru: I'll tell you what kind of men I really am!
I have no strength, but I want it all.
I have no knowledge, but all I do is dream.
There's nothing I can do, but I struggle in vain like an idiot!
I... I hate... I hate myself!
All I do, is talk a big game and make myself sound like a big shot, when I can't do anything! I never do anything, yet I complain with the best of them like it's my job or something.
Who the hell do I think I am!?
I'm a fraud, it's amazing that I can live like this and not feel ashamed!
You know I'm right!? I'm an empty shell, there's nothing inside me at all!
I know there isn't, guess that's obvious, anybody could see that.
Before I came to this place...
Before I got into the situation that led me to all of you, do you have any idea what I did with my life? - I did nothing that's what. I've never done a single thing worth mentioning, I had all that time and freedom but I just squandered it away on nothing. I could have done anything with my life, but I never did a damn thing!
And what you're looking at now is the result - this cowardly, weak, worthless crybaby. All of my powerlessness, all of my incompetence, is the product of my rotten and pathetic character. Wanting to accomplish something important when I've never done anything to earn it, goes way beyond the limitations of arrogance!
The cost of my lifetime of laziness and all the wasteful habits I forged along the way, just ends up killing both you and me!
That's right, I have no character, even when I thought I could go in living here, nothing changed about who I really am. The old man back at the manor saw that part of me perfectly, didn't he? I wasn't trying to get stronger or trying to make things better, that was a lie, I was just striking an obvious pose to justify myself, to say that I was trying my best, that it wasn't like I wasn't doing anything, to be able to appear to be doing everything I could!
I wanted to say "I couldn't help it", to be told that "It couldn't be helped".
I was only pretending to push my body to the limit so that all of those excuses would be possible! Even when I had you help me study, I was just posing to cover up how embarrassed I felt to be such an incompetent idiot!
Deep down inside at the core of my heart, I'm just a small, cowardly, filthy piece of trash, who's always worried about how others see me, how they'll accept or judge me.
And nothing... Nothing about me has changed!
I've known it since the very beginning, everything that was happening was my fault...
I'm the lowest of the low.
I absolutely hate myself.

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