Скачать или смотреть My Dad Committed Suicide, But God Has Been My Father

psalm 68 4-5
"a father to the fatherless
a defender of the widows is god and his
holy dwelling"
studies have proven that the father role
is the most influential and impactful
role in a person's life
and that influence can go either way so
for me
unfortunately as it is for many others
that impactful rule caused me to have a
negative view not only of myself
but of men and even of god
when i was 11 my parents got a divorce
not by my mom's choosing by my dad's
i remember thinking to myself
if my dad died it wouldn't matter but i
said that in
ignorance because come two years later
it was
february 14th and i was coming in at
midnight
home to see my mom and she was waiting
for me at the door and she said
sweetheart you knew i loved your father
right and i said yeah and she said well
they found daddy in his car he's dead
and i assumed oh my gosh like
he's in a car accident come to find out
a few
years later that my dad had committed
suicide he had rerouted
the tubes in his car so that he would
just fall asleep and not wake up
a few months after i remember asking god
you know i don't know where my dad stood
with you i don't know
what his faith was like just said god
could you just let me know like if
he's in heaven or hell i just need you
to tell me so i have peace in myself
so about three months after my dad died
i had a dream
and my dad used to drive this old
station wagon
and he's this tall tan bald guy he got
out of his
station wagon and he had his aviators on
and came over to me and he fell down on
the ground
and he took his sunglasses off and he
just kept saying i'm sorry i'm so sorry
and i didn't know at that time what that
meant
because i didn't know that he committed
suicide yet but
it gave me peace because he was in a
white suit so he just assumed that he
was okay and he was in heaven
something that happened while i was at
bubba college though was that
i started to question whether that dream
i had was really from god or if it was
something my subconscious made up just
because i wanted to know that it was
okay
and funny enough one of the first
chapels they did at bible college in my
first year
was the importance of a father and
child's life and i was like okay
see ya i'm out i don't want to be here
and thankfully my the dean of women came
over to me she's like i really want you
to come sit with me would you come
back in so i went back in but the end of
the message
i went straight to pastor paul and he
said do you have unforgiveness in your
heart
and i said i'm just sad like i'm just
hurt
i don't know how to process this anymore
and he said okay i'm going to pray for
you and as he was praying
he stopped and he looked at me and he's
like i don't
i don't know what happened with your dad
and i don't want to take his place but i
feel very strongly i'm to get on my
knees in front of you and tell you how
sorry i am
and for me it was this affirmation that
god
god was being my father in that moment
yet again
something else that they did at wyoming
was the father heart ministry and during
that time
i was like god you've given me a dream
and you had somebody affirm that dream
but i still have this ache
what is going on and he said you know
your father
came to you in that dream and he said
that he was sorry but
you haven't said that you forgive him
i said oh my gosh okay so so i wrote
the sixth page letter front and back
and it was all the things that i i was
angry at my dad for
things that i was angry at myself for
things that i missed about him things i
wish i could have said
how much i loved him things that i
wanted him to be part of
and i read it out loud to one of the
father figures during that ministry time
and it was crazy because the next day i
didn't realize it was father's day
and i went for a run and every man i
passed i didn't know they were dead but
every man i passed i said happy father's
day happy mother's day
and i knew from myself in that moment
that i i was healed like i was whole
because
i could celebrate the role of father
in somebody else's life it wasn't
painful anymore
i remember it was a week before johnny
and i were getting married and
we were traveling to teach dance at this
art life camp
i just started weeping in the car and
said god i need my father there if
you're not going to be
at our wedding i don't want to be there
either
and johnny got this vision of rainbows
and i kid you not that week before our
wedding it was nothing but sunshine
but on the day of our wedding
usually sun dogs this beautiful
rainbow looking circle around the sun
only happens when there's moisture in
the air
it was a bright sunny day on the day of our
wedding
there was a sun dog at exactly 1 pm
when we were to get married
and i knew that it god was
saying "i bless this, i'm here,
i'm gonna walk you down the aisle i'm
gonna be here with you."
it was the conclusion
of that whole journey of
needing needing
male affirmation and knowing that i was
loved by some
father and i i've never doubted it since