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The Unholy Trinity

Hi! Welcome to another episode of “Just a Sip with Stan.” I’m your host, Stan. You know me, you love me! I’m helping you blur the lines between the sacrilegious and the sacred one sip at a time. Tonight we’ve got 3 sips.

Sort of an Unholy Trinity of sorts.

First, we have one called “Stubborn as a Ramesses.” It’s for those days where the day’s just—it’s just not fair-oh…get it? Ramesses—Pharaoh?

Then, you put in some ice. 1–2–3—you don’t have to count them; but I like to practice. Now, start with some Gin. It just depends on how bad the day was. My day was about…right around there (in terms of stress). Ugh, Mondays…it’s Thursday.

Then, you grab a cucumber. I like to pick the nice girthy ones. You know, something with some nice length; but it’s also about the circumference. And you just put it in there—uhh—that’s not right. You have to cut it up, and I have one of my many servants do it for me. It’s really important to get the cucumbery flavor, because it helps drown out the taste of regret. It’s been a long day—you just wanna strangle your kids and drown them in the Red Sea! (not really).

Grab a tumbler. Just a cup. Any cup will do really. Probably your kids sippy-cup, because what else do you have—your fine china was taken in the divorce! Throw some ice in there. Pour some of that in there. Fill that right up.

Then, you get some sparkling water. I like the lime flavor of “Lah-crow-ix”—i don’t know what it means. Don’t ask me. Someone told me it means “the cross”—that’s kind of funny.

Kick back in your favorite chair. It’s probably stained and has some crumbs all over it, because the kids are always making a mess. You just take a sip, then you take another sip, then you take another sip, then you take another sip, and then you keep drinking until you can’t recognize your kids anymore.

At that point, you say to yourself, “I’m going to go out with my friends. I’m not going to hire a sitter. I’m going to leave the stove on. Live it up a little bit! Don’t stay in your shell. Put this in your undoubtably large liquor cabinet, which is the only thing that you kept from the divorce.

We’re going to do the second drink, which is called the “Jezebel”, which is appropriate, because he ran off with her and is probably on some boat somewhere. Screw her! Right? This will get you nice and ready to go out with your friends. You get all painted up—right? You get a little sloozied up. Wear that shirt that’s a little too low cut, right? I don’t know anything about that.

Start with another glass. She thinks she’s iced out—no. She’s got the real ice. Jezebel is mostly comprised of Sambuca and Tequila. Put some ice in there again. Pour in some Sambuca—it’s like 3/4 Sambuca. It just takes its’ time, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it know we are in a hurry?!? And Jessica is already at the club. She’s got two guys picked out for us. Then, you throw in some Tequila, because a drink called Jezebel would have Tequila!

She’s probably drinking on his boat right now. So, you should drink just as much if not more. But the kicker here is the strawberries. You know, Hell actually grows really good strawberries. You wouldn’t think so, but it’s true. Just pour those in there. Toss them in there. Pour them in there if you want.

Put this back on. The key is to shake it until it all breaks up into tiny little pieces. Just imagine, that woman is the strawberries. “Aww, you took my husband, and I’m never going to forgive him…he wasn’t that good in bed anyways.” Look at that nice pink! It’s such a cute drink. I want to take this drink out! You can even say that really loudly, because the kids aren’ going to hear you—for all you know, they’re dead.

To top this whole shin-dig off though, you need some whip cream. Just as much as you want, as much as you need to make you feel better. Then, you just enjoy it. The good thing about drinks is that you only use your mouth. So, you can actually do your eye-liner while your drinking it.

You’re about to go out with your friends to one of the many clubs in your small town—there’s only one. But you’re going to meet a nice, chiseled man, you're going to dance the night away a bit, you’re going to get his number, and you’re not going to call him, because you don’t need him—you don’t need him! Forget that Jezebel with this one.

So, you have like seven of those—eight, nine, whatever. You’re at the club—you’re dancing the night away, and your energy starts to go a little bit low. You think to yourself, “If only there was a drink that could help me go back up to my original amount of energy. Give me that extra kick!” What it's called is the “Samson.” I’m going to make it for you right now.