The Witchfinder General Reacts to the Exoneration of the Last Salem Witch

Ill tidings from Andover, i'the County of Essex: Elizabeth Johnson, Jr., a slave of the Devil convicted of witchcraft in the late trials at Salem, is to be formally exonerated of her diabolical crimes. Thus, the Witchfinder General of the Colony of Massachusetts Bay, driven by conscience of duty to God, shall utterly refute the protestations of those faithless witch-advocates who doubt that that the court at Salem judged aright.

"What's up with the weird accent?" It's a rendition of Original Early Modern English Pronunciation, commonly abbreviated as OP, an accent reconstructed by a linguist and Shakespeare scholar that's our best guess as to what people in southern England sounded like in the 17th century.

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