The living room. Howard ran in to find the Wise Man’s head burning merrily in the fireplace, belching noxious clouds of sooty smoke into the air and panicking the smoke alarm. Howard grabbed the poker from its rack and hooked the burning head out of the fireplace and onto the carpet, which cheerfully began to burn as well. With the alarm yammering in his ears and the head threatening to burn the whole house down, Howard did the only thing he could think of—he kicked the head out the front window.
Accompanied by the sound of shattering glass, the flaming bearded head landed at the feet of the carolers, who immediately screamed and scattered. Ted saw the head and shrieked, “Someone’s in my house!” Followed by Liz, he raced back to his home.
Howard had stomped out the carpet fire and was now trying to silence the smoke alarm. It was mounted too high for him to reach it and pull the battery, so he knocked it off the wall with the poker. Without missing a beat, he followed through by leaping over the sofa toward the tree. He bent down to replace the Turbo Man.
“Howard?” came Liz’s voice from the door.
Howard stood up, still holding the package. Through the broken window, he could see Liz and Ted crossing the lawn. Howard tried to look nonchalant. “Oh. Hi,” he said.
Ted noticed the burning Wise Man’s head. “Bathazar!” he yelped, running to the head and smothering the flames with his sweater.
Liz just looked at Howard. “What are you doing?” she demanded.
Howard gaped. “Uh, I—”
Liz noticed the present in Howard’s hands. “What is that?”
Ted looked up from his grieving over Balthazar. “That’s Johnny’s Turbo Man!” he cried in outrage.
“What?” said Liz.
“Wait! It’s not what you think—” began Howard.
“Oh, it isn’t?” said Liz scornfully. “Really! Then, please tell me what it is!_ Because as far as I know, you got Jamie his own Turbo Man weeks ago!” When Howard couldn’t meet her eyes, she continued. “Howard, I’ve seen you do some pretty thoughtless things. But…breaking into our neighbor’s house and stealing presents from under his tree?”
“Liz,” said Howard. “If you’d just give me a second—”
“I sat home all day explaining to our son why his father wasn’t home yet, and I wasn’t even close! Was I?”
“Okay. Look. I know parts of this are going to sound completely ridiculous, but please…let me tell you the truth.”
“I don’t think so, Howard. I’ve been listening to your version of the truth for far too long now, and honestly, I don’t want to hear any more. All I want to do is salvage what’s left of Christmas Eve. And go to the parade with my son.”
Howard crumpled. “Okay. I understand. Let’s go.”
“No.”
“What?” said Howard in disbelief.
Liz took a deep breath. “I think it’d be better for everyone if you just stayed home.” She turned away. “You’ve already done enough damage.” She started walking back to her house.
“Liz! Wait—”
But she ignored him and called to Ted, “Ted, would you drive us?”
Ted nodded to Liz, then looked back in confusion at Howard. “Honestly, Howard,” he said sadly. “And on Christmas Eve.” He turned to follow Liz.
Howard stood thunderstruck in the doorway of Ted’s house. He felt numb. He felt like he couldn’t move. Then, with a splintering crash, the reindeer burst through the office door and charged directly at Howard.
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