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This one's for the INFJs and INFPs who are feeling lonely:
90% of Relationship Problems Come from Misunderstanding and Miscommunication

Most people believe relationship problems begin when something goes wrong between two people. But for many INFJs and INFPs, the first disconnect often happens within.

Before we ever speak a word, we are already translating. Translating between emotions, thoughts, sensations, and memories. If those internal messages are crossed, confused, or shut down, our outer communication naturally becomes misaligned.

At Sumiloff Academy, we use a model called the Inner Family Round Table to explore this dynamic. It helps us understand why we sometimes feel conflicted or confused, and why our best intentions can get lost in translation.

This inner round table is made up of four core parts. Each has its own role, its own voice, and its own fears. When these parts understand each other, we feel grounded and aligned. When they don’t, we find ourselves reacting in ways that don’t match who we really are.

Let’s take a closer look at these four parts.

The Adult Self
This is the decision-maker. For INFPs, it is shaped by internal values. For INFJs, it is shaped by intuitive insight. This part of you is the quiet centre that wants to lead from clarity and integrity. But if the other parts are louder, it can get pushed aside.

The Inner Parent
This part is nurturing and protective. For INFPs, it tends to focus on possibilities and meaning. For INFJs, it tunes in to the emotional needs of others. The Inner Parent often over-functions in times of stress, trying to hold everything together. But without help, it can slip into rescuing or controlling.

The 10-Year-Old Self
This is the part that holds memory. It remembers what hurt and what helped. It tries to keep you safe by comparing the present to the past. For INFPs, it leans into tradition and comfort. For INFJs, it leans into logic and explanation. It can be helpful, but it can also be overprotective or overly cautious.

The 3-Year-Old Self
This is the youngest and most vulnerable part. It speaks through reaction, not reason. It is concerned with survival. For INFPs, this part tries to take control. For INFJs, it becomes alert and reactive to the environment. This part does not speak in full sentences. It panics, it shuts down, it lashes out. Not because it wants to cause harm, but because it doesn’t feel safe.

These four parts are always communicating. But if one part feels ignored, unheard, or overruled, the whole system can become reactive, disconnected, or overwhelmed.

When an INFJ or INFP finds themselves saying yes when they mean no, or becoming silent when they need to speak, it is rarely about the other person. It is often about the internal round table being out of alignment.

This is not a flaw. It is an invitation.

When we start to listen to our own voices with more presence and less judgment, we begin to build trust. When our parts understand each other, we are no longer at war within ourselves. We can then relate to others with more clarity, consistency, and calm.

This work does not require fixing yourself. It asks for honest attention and a willingness to lead from the inside out.

If this speaks to something in you, our programs are designed to support that journey. Whether it’s through 4 People Within, INFx Unveiled, or the Deep Dive Mentorship, you will learn how to build inner alignment that naturally improves outer communication.

Misunderstanding does not need to be a life sentence of loneliness. It can become the starting point for a new kind of relationship with yourself and with those you care about.