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Very few people enjoy confrontation. It often stresses us out and it brings out the worst in us. No matter where you live or how much you dislike it, you will still have to deal with confrontation and basically there are two approaches. You can be extremely passive aggressive or extremely aggressive.

Passive aggressive people are people who are averse to conflicts will deliberately be inefficient. They may not communicate or they may simply pout.

On the other hand, high conflict people often have an all-or-nothing attitude. They have elements of victim blaming and they're very aggressive and they look at it more like a battle.

Neither style is productive to actually solve a conflict. So here is how you can actually get some results.

First of all, keep in mind that the goal of a confrontation is that you solve an issue and improve things. In order to get there, you need to have an open and honest conversation about the issues without being hurtful.

What are some common myths about confrontation especially if you think they're always bad?

I would argue confrontations are not bad. The core is just a disagreement between one person and another. We're all individuals and because of that there will be confrontations. Just look at a confrontation as a starting point. Rather than trying to avoid it and feeling bad about yourself or others or angry, it's better to tackle the issue right on. Avoidance will not solve your problems, they will just amplify them and make you feel bad.

How do you handle a confrontation like a gentleman?

It all starts with you. Take ownership of your issues with confrontation or maybe the elements that contribute to it.

If you're mad at someone or you disagree with them chances are you have been doing something that contributed to that situation. If you admit that you make a mistake you don't all of a sudden lose all credibility. On a contrary, it shows that you're self reflective and that you're open and vulnerable. By leading with an apology and recommitting to a better outcome it will likely instill a similar behavior with your confrontation partner.

As a next step, you can ask them what they think about it, what their feelings are that shows them that you care about what they have to say. Even though you might think the other person is probably to blame for an issue. Think of it this way, you're two people and so you're 50% of the confrontation. Take responsibility for your part and I promise you the resolution will be easier and better for both of you. Going with a mindset of a mutually beneficial resolution rather than I want to win and I want to be right.

There is no such thing as a good time for a confrontation and the best time is right now. Ideally, you have a confrontation in person or at the least over the phone. Doing it over text message or email will just prolong the whole conflict and on top of that it's hard to read into words because you don't see how people say things and there's no tone to the words.

It's very important to stay calm even if the other person is riled up. In those situations it can help to have a pause in there and just keep your composure and don't tell them what to do but lead by example.

The next point is genuinely listen to what the other person has to say. If you mentally prepare your answer all the while the other person is talking you're not really absorbing what they're saying what their core issue is.

To ensure they understand, listen. It's best to paraphrase what they said in a sentence with your own words. In a confrontation, always stay clear of absolutes.

Rather than blaming the other party, try to stick to "I" statements and talk about how it makes you feel. This'll only forces you to focus on these your side of the conversation but it makes the other person feel less attacked.

Last but not least, try to address just one issue at a time. It's very easy to put all kinds of different things into one argument but that will rarely help you to resolve anything.

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