How Can I Rebuild Trust After Years Of Lying?

Our live caller wants to know the best course of action to rebuild trust with his wife after lying to her for 4 years. He explains that he was in medical school and failed his board exam, but lied to his wife, saying he got a residency.

Once he came clean to hear about it, she said she can't trust him again and they need to separate.

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Dr. Joe Beam explains if a person has been lied to (and believed it) for 4 years, it's understandable that she would not trust anything else. That is, "If you got away with that... that means why should I trust that you're telling the truth about anything else?"

We aren't downplaying this- it was a really, really bad thing to do. That being said, this breakdown of trust didn't happen overnight. And redeveloping trust won't happen overnight. Getting past this is going to take a while.

So what do we recommend in this case? Dr. Joe Beam recommends absolute, complete truthfulness about EVERYTHING from this point forward. He doesn't recommend that this caller say "that was the only lie" to his wife. Saying that almost sounds as if he's justifying what he did.

Instead, know that people want to hear total penitence. Being sorry for what you did and saying there's no justification for it. You need to take full responsibility.

This caller's wife will need to process what's happened. Kimberly Holmes suggests that this caller does not "push" his wife during this time. And, to be overly open and honest.

Some other things to consider are: Does she feel safe financially? Is she being provided for? This caller needs to try his best to make his wife feels secure in other areas- again, where she doesn't feel pushed.

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