Jesus vs Satan FULL FIGHT - SOUTH PARK

Satan takes a dive, making Jesus the undisputed spiritual winner, causing the whole town to lose their money to the Dark Prince.
"Damien" S01

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The boys run up to Jesus' corner.
STAN
Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked!
Just then, the bell rings. Jesus returns to his corner and
plops down in his seat.
STAN
You've got to FIGHT, Jesus!
JESUS
Why? What's the point? No one believes in
me. Everyone put their money on Satan...
My Father forsaked me... The Town
forsaked me... I'm completely forsook.
KYLE
SOMEBODY bet on you, Jesus. You said
yourself that one person still has money
on you.
JESUS
It doesn't matter. He's way to strong for
me anyway. I give up.
Stan gets in Jesus' face and starts yelling.
STAN
GOD DAMMIT, JESUS SNAP OUT OF IT!!!
Jesus looks surprised.
STAN
What would Nancy Karrigan do?! HUH?!
Nancy Karrigan wouldn't give up!! When
things were looking their darkest Nancy
Karrigan fought to be the BEST!!
Kyle looks confused.

STAN
She wouldn't stop until she was NUMBER
ONE!!!
KYLE
Uh... Stan...
STAN
Nancy Karrigan wouldn't settle for second
best!!
KYLE
Stan...
STAN
She wouldn't quit until she brought home
the gold!!
KYLE
Stan!!
STAN
What?!
KYLE
Nancy Karrigan got the silver, dude. She
came in second.
Stan thinks for a long time.
STAN
Really?
KYLE
Yeah, dude.
STAN
Oh... Never mind Jesus, Nancy Karrigan
sucks.
The snapping sounds means it's almost time to go back into
the ring. Jesus drinks some water and spits it out.
Now Stan gets right in Jesus' face.
STAN
You know... Somebody once said 'Don't try
to be a great man, just be a man'.
Jesus thinks for a while.

JESUS
Who said that?
STAN
YOU did Jesus.
Stan puts his hand on Jesus' shoulder. MUSIC swells up. Jesus
gives a little smile and nods.
JESUS
You're right, Stan.
Just then the bell rings.
JESUS
Thank you, boys.
Jesus steps into the ring.
KYLE
Wow, did he say that in the bible?
STAN
No, I saw it on Star Trek.
KYLE
Hmmn.
Jesus and Satan meet in the ring.
Satan takes a couple of shots, Jesus ducks, and the punches
miss.
SATAN
Come on you SISSY! Hit me! Hit me!
JESUS
Okay, pal, YOU ASKED FOR IT!!
Jesus winds up his arm. Stan and Kyle watch intensely. The
Townspeople's eyes get wide...
Finally, Jesus delivers the blow - He hits Satan EXTREMELY
SOFTLY in the arm. Satan doesn't even flinch.
Stan and Kyle roll their eyes.
But suddenly, Satan grabs his arm-

SATAN
AAAGHH!! YOU GOT ME!!!
Satan falls to the canvas, eyes closed.
REF
ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
The Townspeople are in shock.
JIMBO
No way! He barely touched him!
REF
FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT!
Satan opens one eye, but doesn't move from the canvas, a
little smile crosses his face.
REF
NINE! TEN! YOU'RE OUT!!!
The bell rings over and over. Jesus throws his hands in the
air and jumps up and down.
STAN AND KYLE
OUR SAVIOR!!!!
ANNOUNCER
The winner by knockout and still
undisputed ruler of your spiritual
kingdom. Jesus Elllllll Saaaavior Christ.
Just then, Satan gets up, looking just fine.
MR. GARRISON
Hey! He isn't hurt! He took a dive! He
threw the fight!
JIMBO
Yeah.
SATAN
Fools!! You are all fools! Of course I
took a dive! Don't you see - who do you
think was the ONE PERSON that bet on
Jesus to win?
The townspeople all think.

SATAN
ME you idiots!! And now I will take all
your hard earned money and return to hell
a MUCH RICHER Prince of Darkness and buy
some real estate! Ha HA HA!!!
Satan dances out of the ring.
PRIEST MAXI
I don't believe this!
MR. GARRISON
Yeah, what a mean thing to do!
SATAN
Farewell fools!!
JIMBO
Man... That guy is a JERK!!
Satan disappears into the ground.
STAN
Jesus TOLD you guys not to bet on Satan!
MR. GARRISON
Boy, did we get screwed.
CHEF
Jesus, we're sorry... Can you ever
forgive us?
Jesus thinks.
JESUS
Aw, heck, do I have a choice?
JIMBO
Well Jesus, I definitely learned MY
lesson. Never bet on evil, because when
you do- Ned, look! That's a rare duck
billed platypus! It's comin' right for
us!!!
Jimbo pulls out a gun and blows Kenny's head off.
STAN
OH MY GOD!! THEY KILLED KENNY!!!!
KYLE
You bastard!!!