Скачать или смотреть Boundary or Control? 🤔

How to tell the difference?

A boundary is a reasonable/healthy request, designed to create a safe space for both people in the dynamic.
e.g.; "If monogamy is important to me, I won’t stay in a relationship that isn’t."
"If you raise your voice and I feel threatened, I will remove myself from the situation."

Whereas a control strategy looks to unreasonably control the other person.
e.g.; "You’re not allowed to talk to other people because it makes me anxious."
“You have to share your location with me to prove you’re loyal.”

IMO, a control-based "boundary" will often;
Manage someone else's choices/agency.
Imposes rules/expectations to manage anxiety (outsourcing emotional regulation).
Requires surveillance, checking, or compliance.
Removes or restricts another person's autonomy.

Whereas, a healthy boundary often involves;
A reasonable request for healthy behaviour.
Protects the wellbeing of one (or both) people involved.
Communicates your needs.
Leaves others free to choose; and they're not punished either way. (If enforcing a healthy boundary is framed as it being punishment - that's manipulation).
Includes taking action if the boundary is crossed; i.e., ending a conversation, limiting communication.
The absence of monitoring, restricting, or policing someone else.
Works even if the other person says “no”; you either engage in a healthy dynamic or are removed from unhealthy behaviour.
A healthy boundary communicates a need without dictating behaviour. The person has the choice to either engage in the reasonable, healthy, safe behaviour and continue the dynamic. Or they choose not to and they're not punished, they're just not engaged with.

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