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Being suicidal is complicated, debilitating, and, in a very strange way, makes you feel "other." Despite so many people actively participating in lifestyle choices that lead to an early death, it feels taboo to admit that I have contemplated my death more times than I’d like to admit. With all the self-restraint I’ve built over the years through self-care, death by suicide still lingers in the back of my mind as an option when things get too hard.

Suicide is all around us. The signs are there, but the shame attached to it makes prevention difficult because you never know who’s actually hurting. As a community, I don’t think we’re equipped to handle loved ones who struggle with their mental health. Talk therapy and medication isn’t always the answer, but it seems like that’s all that’s available.

I believe a few things need to change to truly prevent suicide, and I’m not sure walks or runs alone will do it. The first step is to demystify suicide. When people want to end their lives, it’s about more than the act of dying; it’s the belief that permanently escaping their circumstances is the solution. I recently finished "Transcendent Kingdom" by Yaa Gyasi (highly recommend). It’s a novel about substance abuse and mental health. The main character loses her brother to a heroin overdose and her mother to depression as a result of that loss. She herself struggles with anxiety and immense shame and guilt. In one passage, she talks about death in a way that, to me, encapsulates what suicide really is. Yaa Gyasi writes:

"It took me many years to realize that it’s hard to live in this world. I don’t mean the mechanics of living, because for most of us, our hearts will beat, our lungs will take in oxygen, without us doing anything at all to tell them to. For most of us, mechanically, physically, it’s harder to die than it is to live. But still we try to die. We drive too fast down winding roads, we have sex with strangers without wearing protection, we drink, we use drugs. We try to squeeze a little more life out of our lives… But to be alive in the world, every day, as we are given more and more, as the nature of 'what we can handle' changes and our methods for how we handle it change, too—that’s something of a miracle."

Choosing life every single day is an act of heroism. In this video, I share my wellness practices that keep me grounded in my body during hard times. I hope my journey inspires others to become comfortable with sharing their experiences with mental health.

When it gets too hard, remember: If you are alive, you are able.

You cannot overcome the battle if you are not alive to fight it.